Mr Moth, dispirited but unbowed, does his last Mostly Pop for the time being

One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful

I’m no fan of Grease. Really not. But I can appreciate an irresistible tune when I hear one, and so can whoever put this crap together. Whoever they are, they have appropriated the riff of Summer Nights in order to try and make this sound in some way fun or exciting and they have failed dismally. The song’s lyrics are just as unwelcome, with the central message boiling down to “There’s nothing hotter to me than a girl with self-esteem issues”.

In the video they prance about on the beach looking like all-American Christians with horizontal hair and too many teeth, which is I think entirely wrong. Weren’t they X-Factor or some such? They’re from, like, Wolverhampton and the like. I guess what I’m saying is that, judged by their music and their video, they are deceitful, power-playing, misogynist thieves.

Marc Anthony & Pitbull – Rain Over Me

Imagine being Pitbull. Ok, stop imagining that bit of being Pitbull. No! That’s a rubbish bit of being Pitbull. Ugh, yeah, buying new sunglasses. Pfft. Anyway, that’s not it. One day you’re filming a video for On the Floor, throwing shapes to camera and wrapping your arm round the waists of disposable women. During takes, you’re copping an earful from J-Lo about her former Zombie Bridegroom Marc Anthony. Oh, he never cleans under his fingernails. Oh, you should’ve heard him shouting at the telly. Oh he has an insatiable appetite for the quivering brains of the still-living. Nightmare.

THEN you go off to the desert to fondle more ladies and do a bit of lip-synched rapping for Marc Anthony’s video. Between takes there, while Marc isn’t pretending to sing his insipid bullshit, you’re getting an ear-bashing from him. Oh, that J-Lo, he’d say to you. She is always throwing her symbols of acquired wealth around, and then picking them up again and dancing around in her pants. She was forever asking me to sniff perfume tester sticks – I don’t know which one encapsulates her sensual personality best!

Who’d be Pitbull, eh?

Rihanna – Cheers (Drink to That)

Biiit of a drone, Rihanna, if I’m honest. Not one of your best. In fact, when was your last properly good one? Rude Boy? That one where you’re asking a banana what your name is was okay-ish, but I’m not feeling this whole red hair era. I mean, when the chorus comes along here it’s fine, it’s genuinely fine. But it’s not good. Also – and I think secretly you’ll agree with me here – put some clothes on.

Video is one of those backstage home-movie hey-we’re-having-a-great-time-eh-lads things which never ever looks convincingly like a good time so I don’t know why they bother. Cheap, I assume, but still. Just get Pan’s People to do a bit of a dance or something, they’d be happy for the work.

Saturdays – All Fired Up.

The second of their singles to be all dance-orientated and stuff. Hard to love this, even if it is a Xenomania co-production – though the odds are good that, as with every single pre-Out of Control Girls Aloud song, after about three weeks it will suddenly snap into focus and become The Best Song Ever. Case in point: Biology. Unlistenably awkward at first, with about four choruses and no verse, after a few plays it resolved itself into the most perfect pop song since I haven’t a fucking clue when.

Sorry, talking about Girls Aloud is always preferable to talking about The Saturdays. Yeah, so, uninspiring song (though, as I say, has potential as long as you can get past the fact that they say “I feel live” instead of “alive”, which I can’t) and fairly anonymous video. In fact, hmm, the video looks a bit like a lazy Girls Aloud video, complete with slo-mo dance routine (though the outfits are trashier).

Lady Gaga – Yoü and I

Every month, I – mentally, to myself, not to you lot – designate one song “Single of the Month”. Well, this month Yoü and I wins “Single That Will Do For This Month”. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s not that it’s good, but I’ll listen to it. And, no doubt, by now you will have listened to it too. Maybe you’ll have been bothered by the annoying grammar of the title. Maybe you’ve thought “Oh, Brian May, is it? Huh.” You’ll have seen the video, and thought, “Oh, Gaga, with the robot facial augmentations and the fetishised medical procedures, you are really spoiling us!”

Okay, though, okay, I just looked on Wikipedia (because I research this shit) and this bit sticks right out – “The video features Jo Calderone, Gaga’s male alter ego, who is also featured on the single’s cover, and Yüyi, her mermaid ego.” WOW! She not only has a male alter ego, but she has a mermaid identity! WITH A NAME! I want to know more about Yüyi. What is Yüyi’s favourite colour? Does Yüyi like toast? How would Yüyi cook rice? Absorption method? Tell me more!

Coldplay – Paradise

Hahaha, no.