Mostly Film goes back to the Oscars

After the ROARING SUCCESS that was last year’s Mostly Film Oscars liveblog, we’re back in a revised and updated incarnation, consisting of last year’s bloggers Concetta Sidoti and Laura Morgan, with bonus Y chromosomes provided by Victor Field and MF regular Niall Anderson. We’ll be providing incisive and penetrating commentary on the red carpet, the candidates, the ceremony and everything in between, always assuming we manage to stay awake. We have popcorn, beer, jelly beans and chocolate-covered raisins and right now we’re raring to go, so join us back here from 11pm for all the Oscars coverage you could possibly need, as long as all the Oscars coverage you could possibly need consists of commentary from four people watching on a slight delay.

Your hosts for tonight:

Concetta Sidoti is a journalist who tweets as @concettasidoti. Victor Field is 43 years old, not looking forward to seeing Adele’s mug all over the tabloids if she wins, and tangling with a bizarre attraction to Jessica Chastain. Laura Morgan tweets as @elsie_em and blogs at gladallover.net, where she has recently made her own Oscars predictions. She rather likes Adele’s mug and is looking forward to seeing it later. Niall Anderson is a drinker, a good fellow, a story-teller, somebody’s secretary, something in a distillery, a tax-gatherer, a bankrupt and at present a praiser of his own past.

Once again we’ll be playing Oscars Bingo, and this year we want one of each of the following:

  • A woman in trousers
  • A man in anything other than a black tux
  • A crazily awkward red carpet moment
  • A cutesy shot of Emmanuelle Riva and Quvenzhané Wallis together
  • A winner crying on stage
  • A losing nominee smiling unconvincingly
  • The Samuel L Jackson award for the first clearly pissed off losing nominee
  • The most clearly unwelcome long acceptance speech from a winner in a technical category

We’ll see you back here later. Now go and stock up on snacks.

10:34pm, UK time: I know we said 11pm, but if Ryan and Kelly are getting started then so are we. Ryan Seacrest is rocking the Vanilla Ice look tonight, and Kelly’s purple hair is distracting us from her dress, but we’re not convinced by the oddly-placed straps. This is “the battle of the sexiest men alive…Bradley Cooper, George Clooney”, says Ryan, entirely bafflingly.

10:40: BREAKING: Seth MacFarlane confirms he will not be wearing a dress tonight, even though “there is nothing funnier, and nothing more fresh”.

10:45: We are currently being treated to the Les Miserables trailer approximately once every five minutes. If you haven’t seen the film, you probably don’t need to bother – it’s pretty much all in the trailer.

No sign of any actual Hollywood stars yet. We will let you know as soon as any appear, we promise.

10:47: In the meantime, why not read Nate Silver’s predictions for the big winners?

10:50: Suraj Sharma, looking about eleven, explains that Life Of Pi was not only his first acting role, but also his first ever audition. That’s an impressive rate of return on investment.

10:51: Meanwhile over on ABC, they say Samantha Barks (whom none of them has heard of) is winning hashtag best dressed, but they can’t show us her dress, because they have to interview a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills who hasn’t seen any films…

10:57: Shock news from Benh Zeitlin: “it’s an honour to be here”.

11:00: The E! “Heat gauge” has Adele and Jennifer Lawrence as the most currently talked-about stars at the event. Laura’s prediction of a Best Actress gong for Jessica Chastain is looking less and less likely.

Concetta says the half-hour nap she took in Beasts of the Southern Wild was some of the best sleep she had last year. “My nap during Lincoln was less satisfying, more fitful…”

11:02: In the first SCANDAL of the night, it appears that the Samantha Barks best dressed hashtag is a concerted campaign by her fans on Twitter. “Haven’t seen @SamanthaBarks yet but she probably is #bestdressed!” says @Keetie95.

11:05: Hollywood star alert! Eddie Redmayne is here. He also looks about eleven. He is currently having a fringe-off with Ryan Seacrest.

11:08: Rob (or possibly Rod, or maybe Ron, the panel can’t agree) Macfarlane, father of Seth, is on the red carpet. He looks like a cross between Kurt Vonnegut and Colonel Sanders.

11:09: We caught a tantalising glimpse there of no-longer-our-favourite-for Best-Actress Jessica Chastain, but not for long enough to take a look at what she’s wearing. Her hair looks less red than usual, disappointingly. We do like a redhead on the red carpet. <Fond memories of Viola Davies last year>

11:14: Right, now we can see her properly. Laura thinks she looks fantastic in a dusky rose strapless dress with dark red lips, though Concetta desceibes the dress as “beige” and is less impressed, and Niall says she’s a lot less striking in her glad-rags than she is in either ZD30 or The Tree Of Life – neither of which is a particularly “glamorous” role. She’s “a young Meryl Streep” says our E! co-host, not entirely flatteringly.

Jessica’s dress “clearly inspired by the Little Mermaid”, says Niall, and it does look a little as though it’s made of scales. Nice scales, though.

11:17: Do we get a Bingo! for Jessica Chastain hugging Quvenzhané Wallis on the red carpet? No? Righty ho.

11: 18: In a net feed frenzy, Concetta has two soundtracks on the go – a mystery woman describing her own outfit in extraordinary detail to a red carpet reporter, and a news report about Benny 16. “Someone just mentioned male prostitutes – I daren’t even guess who…”, she says.

11:19: Quvenzhané being quite difficult to pronounce, the E! presenters have decided to call her ‘Q’ or ‘Li’l Q’. We suddenly want ‘Q’ to win, just so somebody has to actually pronounce her name at speed.

11:23:  Lovely lovely Amy Adams just a wee bit toilet doll, and that hairstyle can only be described as dowdy. Sorry, Amy.

“This is a very Happy Birthday, Mr President dress”, says Jessica Chastain.

11:27: And we get our first sight of Samantha Barks. She’s beautiful, but that dress is – well, we’ll let you decide for yourself:

Holy fuck
Holy fuck

11:30: Ryan is being implored to ask Reese Witherspoon what she uses to make her hair so voluminous. Don’t tell us we don’t bring you the big news as it happens.

11:32: Don’t make us try to like you Sally Field. Don’t try.

11:33: Quvenzhané Wallis is interviewed on the red carpet. She is surprised to be nominated, she says, because the other nominees are “all older and more sophisticated”, which is a word she can’t quite pronounce. Do watch this interview tomorrow if you’re not seeing it now; she’s excellent value for money.

11:35: Reese Witherspoon is underwhelming in royal blue, although her hair is pretty good. The secret is that she “just had a baby”, she says. We’re not sure we’d go that far for good hair.

11:37: Channing Tatum comes across like a less-charismatic Russell Crowe. That’s not even snark. Apparently, though, it’s great that he went for a classic lapel. Yes. Channing ‘Classic Lapel’ Tatum. That’s how we’re going to think of him from now on. Similarly, Amy ‘She Looks A Bit Sick’ Adams. Meanwhile, Zoe Saldana is smokin’.

11:43: Daniel Radcliffe is here, being earnest and charming. And we’re getting a close-up of Zoe Saldana’s dress, which would be gorgeous if not for the bizarrely-placed belt buckle around her chest.

Early glimpses of Amanda Seyfried and Jennifer Lawrence, both of whom appear to have followed the Oscars tradition of wearing a wedding dress.

11:46: If Jennifer Lawrence and Amanda Seyfried have come in wedding dresses, Jacki Weaver has come as the bride’s boozy auntie. She looks great, and Ryan tells her so. “Thank you, darling” she says. “What beautiful eyes you have.”

11:49: Jacki also wants to tell us about her ENORMOUS DIAMONDS. “These diamonds have no blood. There’s no blood in them”, she assures us. That’s a relief, thanks Jacki.

11:51: Bryan Cranston is here, dressed as Walter White. “What are your expectations for the evening?” asks Ryan. “Well, we’re hoping for at least a wardrobe malfunction”, says Bryan.

11:53: On closer inspection, Amanda Seyfried’s dress, weddingy though it is, reminds us of Gozer the Gozerian:

Except this is a better fit
Except this is a better fit

11:58: Sally Field looks amazing in hot red. And her hair is fabulous.

Catherine Zeta Jones has come dressed as an Oscar. There’s always one. We hear she will be performing All That Jazz later.

Midnight: Joseph Gordon Levitt tells us he, Daniel Radcliffe and Seth Macfarlane are “the entertainment” in show’s opening. He and Sally Field make a pretty cool couple. Meanwhile Dustin Hoffman doesn’t really want to have to have a conversation with Ryan or speak to Joseph Gordon Levitt, but he’s gamely giving it a go. AWKWARD RED CARPET MOMENT BINGO!

12:02: Norah Jones is American? And Kelly Rowland is a red carpet reporter on ABC? What does Michelle do, sell insurance?

12:04: Jennifer Lawrence looks stunning, but also madly uncomfortable out there in front of all the cameras. We would like to give her a cuddle, and not in a sex way.

OK, maybe a little bit in a sex way.

12:07: We’re wondering whether it’s the anticipation of success that makes Jennifer Lawrence look so much more “unreal” this year. She came last year as Jennifer Lawrence; this year she’s like a special effect. Remember her in Winter’s Bone year? The red dress, the loose hair – total fantasy babe. Now she looks like a statue.

We know this much: Kate Winslet is going “Thirteen years I had to wait, love. THIRTEEN years!”

12:09: We’re told that no Bond music has ever won an Oscar. Victor is our resident movie music expert and he’s not with us yet, but we’ll bring you his thoughts on that a bit later. We don’t know how “Nobody Does It Better” was beaten by “You Light Up My Life”, and we’re now a bit cross about it.

Back on the red carpet, Amanda Seyfried is being funny and honest about how tight and uncomfortable her Alexander McQueen number is.

12:12: BREAKING: Michael Douglas loves Ryan’s “Do”. Meanwhile Cath appears to be losing her voice, which doesn’t necessarily bode well for her musical moment later. Michael has been famous for a lot longer than CZJ, but every year there’s a weird transfer of power and attention to CZJ – to the extent that interviewers now no longer bother with him at all. Perhaps she eats his vitality, like a succubus. Either that, or he’s just old.

12:15: Helen Hunt is in that dark purply blue that always looks fantastic on redheads (what do you mean, do we have a redhead fetish?), but which looks pretty good on her too. It’s from H&M, she tells Ryan, which makes us wonder whether H&M means something different in LA from what it means here.

Naomie Harris and Naomi Watts – hello, nurse! Well played, Naomi(e)s, well played.

12:17: Jane Fonda in eye-poppingly bright yellow, and Anne Hathaway has come as a milk bottle. “Be connected to gratitude”, she says. Yeah, THANKS. (Close up, it’s more of a strawberry smoothie bottle.)

12:19: Naomi Watts has also come as Gozer. Liev hasn’t bothered shaving.

On ABC, minxy Kristin Chenoweth is telling everyone they’re her favourite, Brucie style.

12:21: Charlize Theron has actually come as a milk bottle, but a sexy, slinky milk bottle. She’s presenting an award with Dustin Hoffman, she says. “Anything else?” asks Ryan. “I don’t know”, she says vaguely.

Continuing confusion about how to pronounce Charlize Theron. Sharleeze Theron? CHARleeze Theron? Charlize TherOWN?  Charlize The-Ron? None of the commentators can agree. (We prefer Charlize The-Ron.)

12:25: Adele alert! She’s wearing that dress she always wears, but she looks good in it…

Jennifer Aniston has come as Jennifer Aniston. Fair enough, we suppose.

12:27: Bradley Cooper has brought his mum, who looks like a teeny tiny female version of him, but with a pink feather boa. She’s a COOL MOM.

12:29: Sideboob alert! We didn’t spot it immediately, but Anne Hathaway, or The Hath as we like to call her, is sporting a luscious underarm cleavage tonight. Look out for that on the winners’ rostrum later.

12:33: Sweetly, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is geeking out cos he met Dustin Hoffman and Jane Fonda tonight. We like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or The Lev, as we like to call him.

12:35: Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann are here, without their daughters. Judd has shaved! We’re not sure we would have recognised him. Incidentally, is “Leslie Mann” the blokiest name in the world for the girliest actress in Hollywood? (We mean that in a loving way; we are big Leslie Mann fans here.)

Nicole Kidman in wet-look black and gold. If you must, Nicole…

It’s all gone a bit quiet on the red carpet for now. Perhaps this is the time to make popcorn ahead of the main event.

12:46: Concetta’s husband Jean Dujardin has arrived. She told him not to wear that tie.

12:48: Well, that’s Hallowe’en 2013 sorted: we’re going as Helena Bonham Carter at the Oscars.

We can't think of anything funny to say about this
We can’t think of anything funny to say about this

12:50: Meanwhile, Emmanuelle Riva has come as a minor Lord of the Sith, but somehow pulls it off beautifully:

Fuck you, I'm eighty-six
Fuck you, I’m eighty-six

12:53: There seems to be a trend for bringing your mum to the Oscars. Chris Evans is here with his mum, and The Lev bringing Sally Field is close enough.

George Clooney has bucked that trend by bringing Stacy Keibler again. Stacy is described by Wikipedia as “an American actress, model, and retired professional wrestler and valet”. “That’s all true”, says Victor, who has now joined us. “I’ve encountered Stacy before. She’s very popular with fans of such things.”

12:57 The “baroque furniture” look is clearly big this year, as evidenced by  Olivia Munn and Kerry Washington. Jennifer Garner is in purple, wearing “my husband’s winning Best Film” jewels.

Victor says he’s not interested in frocks so much as the women in them. I’m assuming he means he loves them for their personalities.

01:02: Words of wisdom from Kristen Bell: “Earth to Oscar hosts: please stop asking who the actors are ‘most excited to see’. (1) They never have an answer and (2) No-one cares.”

01:08: Ahead of the early awards, here are our first three predictions…

Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway (though at least half of us would prefer it to go to Amy Adams)

Original Screenplay: Django Unchained (though Concetta would like some Moonrise Kingdom love)

Adapted Screenplay: Argo (we think it’s between this and Lincoln, and the winner will be a clue as to how the rest of the night will go.)

01:09: Jennifer Garner says she’s excited about seeing Sting. We are now worried about what being married to Ben Affleck must be like, if Sting is exciting in comparison.

01:15: Jamie Foxx has his 19-year-old daughter with him. 19!  We know it’s biologically plausible, but still. Not content with a hot teen date, he’s now hitting on Kelly Rowland.

In an unexpected turn of events, the hero of the night appears to be Piers Morgan, according to Dustin Hoffman.

01:19: We’re about to go over to the Dolby Theatre for some flesh-on-statuette action! If you need to make a cup of tea or adjust your toilette, now’s the time.

01:23: Good news! Anne Hathaway’s nipples now have their own Twitter account.

01:30: And we’re off! For everyone who can’t see Seth MacFarlane’s opening number,  just imagine it’s as bad as this.

01:32: Seth’s playing it safe with his opening jokes. First Ben Affleck snub gag; first patronising applause for Amour. Did we have those on our Bingo card? No? Oh.

01:34: Django Unchained gets the loudest applause so far. “A film about a man trying to get his woman back after she’s been subjected to unimaginable violence – or as we know it, a Chris Brown-Rihanna date movie.” Oof.

01:38: The Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles sing about how many actress’s boobs they’ve seen. Even with the disclaimer in advance, this isn’t a brilliant start. We are enjoying that Samuel L Jackson isn’t laughing at all. We’re with Sam.

01:40: Now Charlize The-RON is dancing with Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum is Weetabix. Charlize Theron is milk. Who will win?

Charlize is a fabulous dancer, it turns out. Take that, Natalie Portman!

01:43 It’s Seth with The Lev and little Daniel Radcliffe in The Short Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles. Is it too late to get Daniel Radcliffe the injections Barcelona gave Lionel Messi?

All of this is framed by a conversation between Seth and The Shat as an ageing Captain Kirk on a giant screen hovering behind the stage, but we are struggling to understand the import of this, so we’re largely ignoring it.

01:46 Seth is now singing a specially reworded version of Be Our Guest, with an accompaniment of old-school Hollywood dancers. It’s rather lovely.

And Seth is less orange tonight than he was when he did the Proms. Like an oompah-loompah in TOWIE.

01:48 WHOOPS, we thought it was Supporting Actress first, but it’s Supporting Actor. The MF team are split on this one: Laura is going for Tommy Lee Jones; Concetta for De Niro (“just for the romance of it”), Victor for Alan Arkin and Niall for Christoph Waltz, though most of us would really love Philip Seymour Hoffman to win.

And the Oscar goes to….Christoph Waltz! Score one to Niall!

01:52: We all think Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay are the only two Django will take tonight. Christoph quotes his own character when he thanks Quentin. You walked through fire, but you couldn’t fix your tie, Quentin. But the speech was exactly the right length, and exactly gracious enough. Well done Christoph.

01:56: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy are onstage to present Best Animated Short. They have both looked better, and been funnier, than this. Our prediction: Paperman.

01:58 And the Oscar goes to Paperman.

02:00: Best Animated Feature goes to Brave, also as predicted.

02:03: We haven’t gone to sleep, but all we’re seeing now are previews of some of the Best Picture candidates. We are reminded how very pretty Life of Pi is. It’s bound to win the visual categories, isn’t it?

02:05: Cinematography. We think it’s between Skyfall and Life of Pi.

The Oscar goes to Life of Pi!

Claudio Miranda, collecting the prize, looks a bit like J Mascis from out of Dinosaur Jr.

02:06: The music awards are on their way. Here’s what Victor has to say about them:

Since the Academy likes to go international in music, I’ll guess Mychael Danna prevents Thomas Newman from getting an Oscar to go with his Emmy. As for song, they’ll probably give it to Adele, but I’d rather it went to the song from “Ted”.

02:10: The MF panel is going for Life of Pi for VFX too. Rule of thumb: Whenever a film set in the “real world” is nominated for VFX, it always wins.

And the Oscar goes to Life Of Pi! We aren’t just waiting for the announcements before we post our predictions, we promise.

02:12: Wow, the VFX speech is Jaws-ed off just as they’re talking about their financial difficulties. That’s harsh. It’s worth pointing out that Rhythm & Hues may have just won an Oscar but they are still going bankrupt.

02:16: During the ad break, we are debating Best Director. Concetta and Laura are still going for Spielberg but Niall, who had contrarily gone for Haneke earlier this evening, is now wondering whether Ang Lee might pick it up.

02:18: The Oscar for Costume Design goes to…

Anna Karenina!

02:20 And for makeup and hair styling…

Les Mis!

02:22: BREAKING: Halle Berry has also come as Gozer. She’s here to celebrate fifty years of James Bond, and we’re not sure if she’s tiddly or just in character.

02:25: Following a medley of Bond clips, we are treated to Burly Chassis, dressed as an Oscar, singing Goldfinger. Which is your favourite Bond film? Niall’s is From Russia With Love, Laura can’t tell the difference between most Bond films but remembers liking Octopussy, Victor says his favourite hasn’t been made yet, and Concetta’s is The Bourne Identity.

02:33: Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington are here to present Live Action Short and Documentary Short. Next year, we’re going to watch all of these before the prize is awarded, so we can make more informed guesses. (We are mildly astonished to learn that this is the first year the Academy has actually sent out DVDs of the candidates, so that presumably every other year only a fraction of its members have actually seen the films in question.)

And the Oscar goes to Curfew.

02:36: Best documentary short goes to…Innocente. Actual emotion in the acceptance speech – we’d forgotten what that looked like for a while there.

02:38: Here comes Liam Neeson, who seems to be American now. He’s introducing the next three Best Picture nominees.

Bryan Cranston unrecognisable in Argo. Until he speaks, of course. Meanwhile Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abe Lincoln appears to be based on Montgomery Burns.

02:42: The final film to be previewed in this segment is Zero Dark Thirty. The problem with ZD30, Niall thinks, isn’t the torture thing, it’s that “there’s nothing between 9/11 and the hunt for Bin Laden. No Afghanistan, no Iraq – no context”.

02:43: Up next it’s Best Documentary feature. We all think this one will go to Sugarman, though none of us have seen all the nominees. “I’ve never seen any of the documentary nominees in any year, I’m sad to say”, says Victor.

And the Oscar goes to Sugarman.

02:46: Do we think Seth MacFarlane will get invited back? A couple of these jokes have been decidedly off-colour. “I’m sure he will be, the year after Whoopi Goldberg is”, says Victor.

The winning speech gets cut off by Jaws again. It’s obviously A Thing. (Proving you’re not a big fish?)

02:49 “Must be weird to be Stacy Keibler and not be the hot one in your relationship” says @morgan_murphy, getting philosophical over on Twitter.

02:51 Best Foreign Language Film. Logically, this can only go to Amour.

02:52: And the Oscar goes to Amour. “A feature length episode of Coronation Street”, says Niall.

02:54: It’s John Travolta! He seems to share Liam Neeson’s disappearing eyes. “I gotta big treat for ya”, he says. Tell us more, Danny!

02:55: It’s time for a musical medley! The cast of Les Mis are doing their vocal exercises behind the scenes as we type. The reason we’re calling it that is to avoid trying to figure out how to make an e acute on a laptop. Apologies if it’s grating, but it can’t be any more distressing than this live performance. Ah, here’s CZJ doing All That Jazz, as promised. She does look pretty terrific – but then, when doesn’t she?

Holy fuck, what a key change. This is mesmerising, but not in a good way.

02:59: We’re seeing a LOT of montage action here, in between musical numbers. They could have cut some of this and left more room for speeches. Or even Seth MacFarlane’s jokes.

And now we’re getting a song from Dreamgirls. We’ve kind of lost the point of this bit. Is it just to celebrate the fact of music in films? Because neither Dreamgirls nor Cabaret is exactly this year’s model. Perhaps it’s in honour of Les Mis, although as Evan Rachel Wood is saying over on the Tweeter, “Every time les mis says they were the first musical to sing live, somewhere there’s a fairy who falls down dead. #acrosstheuniverse

If they must do musicals, can’t we have Little Shop of Horrors or The Sound of Music?

03:03 HANG IN THERE, PEOPLE. The next award is the 12th, which means we’re halfway through! Hugh Jackman is singing, quite nicely.

03:04: We now have the whole cast of Les Mis up there. Here’s a thought. Of all the people currently singing on the stage, Hashtag Samantha Barks is probably the most comfortable singing live in front of a large audience.

03:06: “My decision not to touch Les Mis with a bargepole richly vindicated there. Daniel Day-Lewis looks bemused”, says Concetta. Admittedly, this would certainly be a better performance if they just got the current cast of the actual musical up there to sing it. The final, climactic note is startlingly bad.

03:11 The award for Sound Mixing is up next. We think Les Mis has it, just because of the whole singing live thing.

(They sang live? Who knew?)

03:12: Mark Wahlberg is presenting, alongside Ted. We should be more impressed by Ted, but Marky Mark is looking pretty F.R.E.S.H considering we spotted him in London just two days ago.

03: 14: And the Oscar goes to Les Mis. Up next: Sound Editing.

03:15: Bizarrely, we’ve got a tie between Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall for Sound Editing. An audible gasp goes around the Dolby Theatre at this news, but after a moment everyone seems happy enough. Fuck it, why not just give everyone an Oscar?

This is the first Oscar for a Bond film since 1965, incidentally (and soon we’ll have the second.)

03:21: Next up, Christopher Plummer presents best Supporting Actress. Amy Adams should win; Anne Hathaway will win. “The Sessions is the worst film I’ve ever seen“, says Niall, “and Helen Hunt is the worst thing in it.”

03:23: And the Oscar goes to Anne Hathaway, as we all knew it would. Yawn. And here come the waterworks. OSCAR BINGO!

03:26: No Jaws for The Hath (she’s a big fish now), but we  like them playing her off with The Godfather. Somehow it’s like she now owes someone a big favour.

03:28: So Les Mis moves into the lead with 3 wins; Life of Pi has 2; Django and ZD30 have 1. Nothing yet for Argo, Lincoln or Silver Linings Playbook.

Meanwhile, we’re sloshed up to the brim with tea, but we’re running out of beer. Please send supplies.

03:32: The president of the Academy is taking the opportunity to tell the world about his new museum. We are taking the opportunity to make our predictions for best editing. We seem to have agreed on Argo, though none of us is quite sure why.

03:33 And the award, presented by Sandra Bullock who looks ten times younger and prettier than she did this time last year, when she had a horrible high ponytail, goes to Argo. We think this is significant – will Argo pick up best picture now? And would this one have gone to ZD30, which actually had the best editing, if not for the torture kerfuffle?

03:37 Jennifer Lawrence, introducing Adele, isn’t just wearing a wedding dress: she’s wearing a genuine meringue.

03:39: Adele’s taking it to Jennifer Hudson now. We have a wide range of feelings towards Adele on the MF panel, but since Laura is currently driving, we’re going to say WE LOVE HER.

03:47:  Nicole Kidman, in that slinky metallic number we mentioned earlier, is here to introduce the last three contenders for Best Picture, otherwise known as The No Hopers (Django, Silver Linings Playbook, Amour). She looks HOT.

03:50: Here come Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart. Kristen appeared to arrive on crutches earlier, but she seems to be managing to walk OK now. Perhaps it’s an emo thing. They’re here to present the award for Production Design, which is another one we’ve earmarked for Life of Pi.

And the award goes to…

03:52: Lincoln!

03:54: Here’s Salma Hayek, rocking the Baroque Furniture look beautifully. Her chief assets are demurely covered, which means we get to feast our eyes on her glorious shoulders instead (really, they are).

03:56: Salma introduces the nominees for the Humanitarian Award (the what now?). Salma’s chief assets are, of course, her eyes, Niall reminds us.

03:59: And if Salma doesn’t float your boat, here’s George Clooney, although let’s not get too hot under the collar, because he’s here to introduce the In Memoriam segment, which this year has a sadly appropriate soundtrack – John Barry’s Out Of Africa.

04:03: Aw, Adam Yauch gets a shout-out.

04:04: And just to ruin that lovely moment, we get Barbra Streisand in to honour Marvin Hamlisch. Sorry Babs, you’re going on mute while we check our emails.

04:05: Babs looks terrifying, and a bit like the haunted portrait in Ghostbusters II. Let’s hope she’s just having a bad day.

Still, we can’t help but admire the way she comes on in the middle of a montage for the dead and basically goes ‘Fuck you, dead guys – Babs is here!’

04:08: Ad break. Turns out there’s a Splash on US TV too. Presented by the diver who had the front to beat our Tom. Both are based, of course, on the Dutch format.

Best musical moment of the night according to Victor: Hayden Panettiere’s Radio 1 Live Lounge-type performance of “Fame” in a “Nashville” commercial on ABC, with the added bonus of no Fearne Cotton. Some of us don’t agree, except about Fearne Cotton.

04:11: Is there any part of Seth MacFarlane’s face that hasn’t been botoxed? He’s got the lineless complexion of a lump of dough. Perhaps he has the same doctor as Renee, who is here with Richard Gere, doing the second of his two facial expressions, to present best musical score. We think Pi for this one.

04:13: Can Renee not read? Did she leave her glasses backstage? The Oscar goes to Life of Pi, but only after both presenters fluff the announcement like a pair of doddering old grannies.

04:15: And now the award for best original song. This is nailed on for Skyfall, surely?

For a singer, Norah Jones always looks terribly uncomfortable singing.

04:17: And the award goes to Skyfall. Tottenham has won the Oscar, the rest of London can go home, says Concetta.

04:18: Adele’s hair is ENORMOUS. “This is the first nomination for Adele Atkins”, says the announcer. Adele nearly manages not to cry.

04:19: The pace of ads really steps up the closer you get to the business end of the night. Time for a comfort break. Take one yourself, why don’t you?

04:24: Still no agreement on how to pronounce Charlize Theron. It’s Adapted Screenplay next, and we’re plumping for Argo.

Lots of love in the room for Beasts, but the prize goes to Argo. We still think this is all pointing in the direction of Argo winning best picture.

04:26 Of course, if Argo wins best picture, that leaves Director wide open. We’re leaning towards Spielberg, though Niall is still pulling for Haneke.

04:28: And now Original Screenplay. This one’s a lock for Quentin.

…and yes, the prize goes to Django Unchained.

04:31: Latest scores: Django 2, Life of Pi 3, Les Mis 3, Skyfall 2, Argo 2, Lincoln 1. There’s no runaway winner just yet.

04:33: Best director is next up, though we’ve gone into another ad break. If there’s more amour for Amour coming, we’d like to see Emmanuelle Riva take a statuette home.

04:36: Here is Jane Fonda in that extraordinary shade of yellow to present Best Director, alongside Tired Old Michael Douglas. And now we know how to pronounce Haneke – it is, as Niall has been tediously saying, Mikhail.

Judging by the reaction in the room, Benh Zeitlin and Ang Lee are the most popular nominees.

04:39: And the Oscar goes to Ang Lee!

04:40: Ang Lee is adorable and gives a charming speech. He loves everyone and they are the golden statuettes in his heart. We are all happy for him. Meanwhile, Tired Old Michael Douglas now looks like the Rockbiter from Never-Ending Story.

04:41: Pi moves up to 4 – and can’t be caught now unless we are about to see some Les Mis madness.

04:43: Best actress is next, and again the panel is split. Laura is still pulling for Jessica Chastain and her Gorgeous Dress; Niall and Concetta think Jennifer Lawrence will win but would prefer Emmanuelle Riva, and Victor thinks Naomi Watts might sneak it. Here’s Concetta’s boyfriend Jean Dujardin to put us out of our misery, in more ways than one.

04:45: “If I were an actress, I’d be an even better actor”, says Jean, incomprehensibly but charmingly, as he introduces the nominees.

04:47: And the winner is Jennifer Lawrence!

04:48 Jennifer stumbles over her meringue dress on her way up to the podium, but she’s got her speech down pretty pat. The classy thing would have been to give it to Riva, so of course they didn’t.

04:49: And now Meryl Streep, who is deemed too famous to need introducing, is here to present the award for Best Actor. Go and boil the kettle, there’s no tension here tonight. Joaquin Phoenix should win – all the actors nominated for The Master should have won – but he won’t.

04:52: Even Meryl sounds bored as she announces that the winner is Daniel Day-Lewis.

04:53: “Daniel Day-Lewis is the first actor to win three Oscars in the leading actor category” says the announcer. Yeah yeah, Katherine Hepburn had four, even if she had to share one of them.

Still, the only halfway memorable speech of the night. Dan and Ang Lee the best so far, but we’re looking forward to Ben Affleck, assuming Argo has Best Picture.

04:56: Jack Nicholson scores a bit of a coup by introducing Michelle Obama over a video link to help introduce the Best Picture award. She is wearing silver, and looks about twenty-five. And we thought her being on “iCarly” was impressive.

04: 59: Jack has just pronounced “Amour” like it’s a properly unspeakable sex act.

05:00: Michelle Obama has the envelope and tells us that the Oscar goes to Argo!

05:01: Something something…Argonauts…something something. There are a lot of beards on the stage, just like in the film. And oh look, there’s Doctor Doug Ross up there, and Bryan Cranston as Walter White.

05:03: Ben Affleck rattles off a speech in an attempt to beat Jaws. Go on, thank Matt.

05:04: Two sweet speeches there, even though Ben’s was slightly demented, and we didn’t even need to hear from George.

05:05: OK, here’s the final rundown, if you need it:

  • Picture: Argo
  • Director: Ang Lee, Life of Pi
  • Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
  • Actress: Jennifer Lawrence: Silver Linings Playbook
  • Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
  • Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
  • Original Screenplay: Django Unchained
  • Adapted Screenplay: Argo
  • Animated Short Film: Paperman
  • Animated Feature Film: Brave
  • Cinematography: Life of Pi
  • Visual Effects: Life of Pi
  • Costume Design: Anna Karenina
  • Makeup & Hairstyling: Les Misérables
  • Live-Action Short Film: Curfew
  • Documentary Short: Inocente
  • Documentary Feature: Searching for a Sugar Man
  • Foreign-Language Film: Amour
  • Sound Mixing: Les Misérables
  • Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty & Skyfall
  • Film Editing: Argo
  • Production Direction: Lincoln
  • Original Score: Life of Pi
  • Original Song: Skyfall

05:13: Well, stick a fork in us – we’re done.  The real loser turns out to have been Seth MacFarlane. Reminds me of that time when <jumpcut>…

Thanks for playing along, and as they say in the movies (all together now) – Argofuck yourselves.

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3 thoughts on “Mostly Film goes back to the Oscars

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