by Mr Moth

Before we start, I’d just like to check that everyone waited patiently for the Icona Pop single to complete its extraordinarily long transit through the guts of the pop animal and bought it the moment it came out. I recommended it back in, like March. That’s all. OK, on with the reviews!

Chase & Status ft Louis M^ttrs – Lost and Not Found

One take video? One take video?? Long-time readers may know that I have a weakness for one take videos, and the presence of one can often elevate my opinion of a song far above its actual quality. At first I thought this was a one taker, but there are definite… wobbles and I think it’s actually three long shots. Not bad, but even Mistletoe & Wine managed only a single cut (though it was a sight more blatant).

Anyway, this sounds like the nineties and not the good nineties. The half-arsed, post-Massive Attack, post-Roni Size drum n bass torchsong bollocks nineties so fuck it all, let’s watch Mistletoe & Wine again, I know it’s July.

Class you can’t buy.

Katy B – What Love is Made Of

What is love made of, Katy B? Plasticene? Water vapour? Aspartame? I think it’s made of smurfs, Katy B. Tiny blue smurfs that choke your heart. What do you think, Katy B? Is that what love is made of? Is it made of adverts? Sounds like it’s made of adverts, going by this song. Or, again, sub-par nineties waffle. This may as well be Fragma or Baby D or something. Honestly, Katy B, I had heard good things about you, but all I’ve seen during my Mostly Pop years is this and a literal, actual COKE ADVERT.

The Saturdays – Gentleman

WORST PSY COVER EVER.

Hahahaha, lolz, I am very amusing. Anyway, this is shockingly bad. The Satudays’ continued campaign to supplant Girls Aloud in the popular imagination should have been knocked on the head a while ago. This is yet another song with disorientating stop-start pop dynamics that could have come from the Aloud/Xenomania stable but falls way short of the unknowable alchemical brilliance that mix created. ALSO, what does “A gentleman is so 1995” mean, even? Is 1995 really so far away that it seems like the era of Mr Darcy and duels over a lady’s honour? Like the songwriter thought “I need a date that evokes the age of chivalry! I know – the year of Die Hard With a Vengeance and (What’s the Story) Morning Glory!” Is it 90s revival month, or what?

I’d just handwave this single off, but it’s really oh my god awful. There is an attempt, I think, to position the Saturdays as a kind of sassy girl gang, especially with the lyrics throwing in all sorts of wince-inducing single-entendres (“Taste my rainbow”? Christ on a fucking bike) to have them appear worldly and cheeky. But it falls flat because they are presented like a bunch of blinking, winsome Barbie dolls without any glint of playful subversion. Like Nicki Minaj would be if she meant it. The message of the song appears to be “Don’t take men cheating on you, ladies! Know what you want, demand better!”, which is  fine. The message of the video is – MEN! BUY STUFF FOR WOMEN! and WOMEN! BE SEXY FOR MEN!, which is, what? Progress? Or the other thing?

Lawson ft B.O.B. – Brokenhearted

I think Lawson are brothers, which is perfect because my first thought was “Kings of Leon after a shopping spree in Dalston”. This is more upbeat than you’d expect from the title, and you soon realise why – yeah, sure, Jeff Lawson there is broken hearted, but he knows it was all that BITCH’s fault and so he’s giving it his best Cry Me a River at her. Invisible stalking shenanigans ahoy, then. He turns up in her house, on the covers of her magazines, on every TV channel until you feel so sorry for this poor woman that you’re absolutely on her side and agree that, yeah, he is a dick. Glad you ditched him! His final rejection of her at a jolly, open-air, T-Mobile advert is basically the same as the end of Nickelback’s How You Remind Me video, and I can’t work out if that’s amazing or shit. You don’t remember the Nickelback How You Remind Me video, do you? It was amazing/shit.

B.o.B. – does he only do guest appearances? I’ve heard him with Example, Bruno Mars, Jessie J and now this. Is this what he’s for? A duff bit of rap then back on with the song? Is he not allowed to do a whole track, or what?

P!nk ft Lily Rose Cooper – True Love

Hey! It’s The Bouncy P!nk Song! You know, as opposed to The Maudlin Linda Perry Power Ballad, because P!nk only operates in those two modes now. The question is – is it one of the good Bouncy P!nk Songs (U and Ur Hand, So What?) or one of the forgettable ones (Trouble, say, or any one of the many you’re trying to recall right now)? It’s pretty forgettable, I’m afraid, but it’s still a damn sight better than most of the singles reviewed today. Lily Rose Cooper’s cameo – of B.o.B.-esque irrelevance to the rest of the song – reminds me that her voice is always welcome round my way. The thing is, though it may be ok in comparison to Lawson, it’s still no great shakes.

I am, however, very happy that she does seem to be happy with Corey Hart and he seems to love her, and their interaction with their child is sweet. So that’s good. It’s a nice thing. More nice things, please, pop videos. Fewer omniscient stalkers.

Iggy Azalea – Bounce

“You know who was good? Ke$ha.”

“Ke$ha. Wait, hold on. Right, okay, got it.”

“Yeah, she was good! Bit of an image problem, didn’t have many killer songs, but she sounded good. You know, kind of youthfully rebellious without being too challenging.”

“Twangy.”

“Twangy, exactly, but not country twangy. Imagine her rapping!”

“Where are you going with this?”

“BEHOLD! KE$HA TWO-POINT-OH!”

“Wow! She’s younger, prettier and more credible!”

“Yes! I KNOW! Have the earlier model destroyed.”

*high-fives*

*coke*

Lucy Spraggan – Lighthouse

I have no doubt – none! – that if I could be bothered to look Lucy Spraggan up on Wikipedia I would find a section dedicated to her profile being raised on YouTube. It might even use the phrase “YouTube sensation”, which looks filthy now I read it back. She’s young, she’s kooky, she wears a bobble hat, she plays folksy, heavily-accented music on an acoustic guitar. What I’m saying is that she sounds like a one-woman Mumford, down to the singalong busker-friendly chorus. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, of course, but it is in this case.

Gabrielle Aplin – Home

Ohhhh. If Gabrielle Aplin’s voice is familiar to you it’s because a) well Jesus it’s not exactly distinctive and b) she did the cover of The Power of Love on that John Lewis snowman advert! Yeah, I checked Wikipedia because I have even less to say about Gabrielle Aplin than I do about Lucy Spraggan and I note that Aplin rose to prominence due to, yes, YouTube!

Anyway, this is winsome toss. See you next time!