This year’s live! Exclusive! realtime! (where realtime = seconds or minutes behind the official broadcast!) Oscars commentary is brought to you by seasoned regulars Laura Morgan and Victor Field, plus a mysterious cabal of shadowy individuals known as MarvMarsh, Clio and veal. Join us here from 11ish tonight for insightful, incisive (and other “i” words) observations from the red carpet, the ceremony and the internet at large. In the meantime, meet your hosts…

Laura Morgan is gainfully unemployed, has made her own set of Oscar predictions over at gladallover.net, and may become diverted from Oscars coverage because she is currently in charge of a two-year-old and a large dog. Victor Field is 44, unattached and unlooking, has about 2000 soundtrack albums and wishes Quentin Tarantino would bother to commission his own film music instead of using other people’s, the lazy little fucker.

MarvMarsh is a fan of all Brad Pitt’s different hair cuts and won’t have it that he (Brad, not Marv) is botching being the most beautiful man in the world. Clio is a longtime connoisseur of Oscar subtleties and absurdities, who still thinks that Judy Garland was robbed of Best Actress in 1955. Veal is so mysterious that we don’t even know enough about her to give her a bio.

As is MostlyFilm tradition (well, we’ve done it twice, and we’re only three years old) we are playing Oscars bingo. This year we will be awarding points for each of the following:

• Cate is asked about or mentions Woody Allen
• Anybody (including himself) makes fun of Alfonso Cuarón’s English or accent.
• The Samuel L. Jackson Memorial Really Bad Loser Award
• An earnest Hollywood reminder that slavery is a Bad Thing
• A woman other than Ellen Degeneres in trousers
• An embarrassingly inappropriate acting nomination clip
• The orchestra kicks in mid-speech. Bonus points for anyone actually managing to silence the orchestra à la Julia Roberts
• MrsMarv, who is approximately 40 weeks pregnant, goes into labour

Exciting times! See you back here later. Bring popcorn.

10.30pm Good evening! Have you got snacks? No? OK, we’ll wait. SIGH.

Back? Right. The red carpet is starting any moment, so in the meantime please ensure you’re ready for Oscars bingo. As you’ll know if you’ve been paying attention, this year we want each of the following:

• Cate is asked about or mentions Woody Allen
• Anybody (including himself) makes fun of Alfonso Cuarón’s English or accent.
• The Samuel L. Jackson Memorial Really Bad Loser Award
• An earnest Hollywood reminder that slavery is a Bad Thing
• A woman other than Ellen Degeneres in trousers
• An embarrassingly inappropriate acting nomination clip
• The orchestra kicks in mid-speech. Bonus points for anyone actually managing to silence the orchestra à la Julia Roberts
• MrsMarv, who is approximately 40 weeks pregnant, goes into labour

(Actually we’re happy to wait a few more days for that last one, since we are dependent on Marv for tonight’s Twitter coverage, and we feel like there’s already enough drama scheduled for this evening.)

10:32pm Very little is happening on E!’s red carpet coverage. We can see some milling crowds, but without a Seacrest to tell us who’s who, they just look like a bunch of men in suits.

10:38pm It appears that the much-feared rain has held off and our heroes are arriving under a sky that is at least clear, if not the usual sparkling blue.

“We want Ellen!”, chant the crowds.

10:41pm BREAKING: the sun has come out in Beverley Hills.

10:43pm Josh Horovitz is on the red carpet for MTV. “Take in the sights and sounds of the Oscars”, he says happily, clearly unable for the moment to think of anything actual to say.

10:47pm Early indications would suggest that the predominant shade among this year’s Oscar gowns is a hearty BLACK.

10:51pm We are reduced to making an inventory of our snacks. We’re looking good for crisps, twiglets and chocolates, and the soft drinks supply should last us the night, but we’re a bit worried that we’ll need something stronger* before the sun comes up.

*tea

10:52pm We are discussing potential winners. Marv would like Leo to win “because this might be his last year before he becomes a middle-aged man covered in meat sweats”. Laura kind of thinks he’s already that, but she loves him anyway (but he won’t win).

10:55pm “I also want Lupita Nyong’o to win. Firstly because she was great and secondly because I am leading the Jennifer Lawrence backlash and this would be good for the cause”, says Marv, ever the contrarian. Obviously J-Law will win Best Supporting.

BREAKING: Josh is interviewing the makeup artist for Jackass: Bad Grandpa, who is nominated for spending three hours a day making Johnny Knoxville look old in a film that ought at the very least to win a prize for “least likely Oscar nomination ever”.

11:05pm Everyone is in black, white, grey, silver or a combination of the above. We are becoming desperate for a splash of colour.

11:07pm In the distance, we can see someone in a red dress. We are thrilled. We would be more thrilled if we could see who it was.

11:08pm And now we can definitely see somebody in green. It is, of course, only 3pm in Hollywood. There must be something quite odd about wearing a designer gown and thousands of dollars-worth of jewels in broad daylight at a time when you’d usually be about ready for a cup of tea.

11:15pm Portia di Rossi in white lace which looks more revealing than it is. Good hair. Strong look, Portia. Strong.

11:16pm Last year’s vogue for lace dresses with nude-effect underlayers (shut up, it’s a word) is in evidence again today, as are some fairly terrifying fixed grins.

11:20pm Chiwetel! The camera is sweeping about like a sniper looking for a target.

11:21pm On E! we’re getting excited about what Lupita Nyong’o might be going to wear. If this is anything to go by, at least there’s a reasonable chance she’ll be wearing a colour.

11:29pm Olivia Wilde is pregnant! Everyone knew this already, right? Not us. She’s wearing black too, but pregnant women get a pass.

Did we miss Amy Adams?

11:31pm Mads Mikkelsen is impossibly chiselled. We have nothing to say about his attire. Do any men come to the Oscars wearing something different? Maybe we’ll add a new Bingo category for a man wearing anything other than a black tux and bow tie.

He’s speaking Danish. If this was BBC4 viewing figures would have just gone through the roof.

11:34pm Chiwetel Ejiofor and his girlfriend (wife?) win best-looking couple so far: she looks like Veronica Lake, and he looks like Chiwetel Ejiofor. He’s also a Crystal Palace fan, so at least 20% of us are firmly on his side regardless.

11:36pm Marv  says “I am not normally paying this much attention but some of these women are really skinny!”. We suspect this is because they are ALL WEARING BLACK.

11:40pm Olga Kurylenko looks smoking in her eco-dress which, counterintuitively, is red.

Who is Terence Winter? Someone is standing there with a card with “Terence Winter” on it like he’s waiting for him at the airport.

11:42pm Some documentary guys are harshing everyone’s buzz.

(They are the makers of Dirty Wars, nominated in Best Documentary. Their tuxes are a muted grey, but they are wearing black bow ties. DON’T TELL US WE DON’T BRING YOU ALL THE NEWS AS IT HAPPENS.)

11:44pm Jeremy Scahill makes an excellent point about Edward Snowden and Donald Rumsfeld, but we are wrestling with the dog and don’t manage to get it down. Something to do with the difference between being in exile for telling secrets and being on a book tour making money from being someone who conducts wars.

11.46pm Steve McQueen! There he is, curing slavery!

This is, appropriately, a very long take.

11.47pm Steve’s glasses are maybe 2mm too wide for his face. Nice neat bow tie, though.

11:48pm Steve McQueen just dissed his scriptwriter. “The dialogue came straight from the book. It was very easy.” Steve!

Marv: “My feed is buffering so I am gazing at Steve McQueen and letting it all wash through me.”

OSCARS BINGO! Barkhad Abdi is wearing a NORMAL TIE.

11:52pm “What was hardest for you, making this film?” a red carpet reporter asks Alfonso Cuarón. “Keeping it in space?”

11:54pm LUPITA ALERT. She’s in a sky-blue dress, which looks sort of wafty. More as we get it.

11:56pm OK, no, it’s more of a dove blue. And it’s jewelled, and demurely but definitely quite booby.  A plain hairband and diamond earrings are the perfect accompaniment. So far Lupita is #winning.

MIDNIGHT Ryan Seacrest’s with Julie Delpy. “I passed her in Piccadilly Circus once years ago”, muses Victor.

Jared Leto is wearing white. He looks like he just woke up in a bin. Not even the plastic recycling bin: a proper bin.

00:02am Do people like Harrison Ford have to show their invitation at the gate?

00:06am Pharrell Williams is asked why he’s not wearing his hat. He seems bemused by the question, though the answer is presumably because he gave it away last week.

00:04am Johnny Knoxville has come as Alan Bennett.

00:07am Steve Coogan is here, talking about Philomena. “The church have given it their blessing, as it were”, he tells us.

00:08am For a thrilling moment we thought that was Helen Mirren with Jared Leto, but it is just some young woman with grey hair.

We did miss Amy Adams, but veal didn’t. She “seemed to have very dark eyeliner on”, apparently.

00:09am The music playing now sounds like the sound Skype makes when someone’s calling you.

Ethan Hawke clearly went to his hairdresser and asked for a Biff from Back To The Future. He looks up for a fight.

00:11am “That girl in the lacy oyster looks like someone’s sister in a John Hughes film. It may be that my film knowledge has slipped a bit since I had kids”, says veal. “And I saw someone in canary yellow. Once I would have been like, the most famous canary yellow was the vintage Jean Desses worn by Renee Zellwegger in blah blah. Now I can’t recognise CUMBERBATCH is there!”

Meanwhile Clio has joined us from foreign shores. “German TV has found two German nominees! Everyone is very happy.”

00:13am Goldie Hawn! She said earlier she was coming and here she is! Goldie tells the truth.

00:15am Clio is stuggling with German TV, whose cameras have been placed so far away from the red carpet that “all the stars are are two inches tall. Pharrell Williams has just walked straight past them. So has Jared Leto.”

00:16am German TV is now interviewing the reporter standing next to them about why everybody is ignoring them.

What is Kevin Spacey leaning on? We hope it’s a lackey on his hands and knees.

00:17am Bloody Blanchett looks great as always. Some of us kind of hate her.

00:18am “If Jessica Biel changes her professional billing to Jessica Timberlake I will be SO pissed”, says Victor.

The MANICAM! “Wouldn’t it be amazing to flop your cock out onto the little red carpet in the manicam?”, asks Marv. “Worldwide cock-on-red-carpet action.”

00:20am It is not actually essential to hold one’s bump when pregnant, unless wearing an evening frock, when gentle hand support becomes essential.

The German reporter is now talking about the record number of uses of the word “fuck” in Wolf of Wall Street. BET YOU DON’T GET THAT ON SKY.

00:21am So far veal’s red carpet man is only interviewing blondes called Kristin.

00:23am We are trying to decide who is the actual biggest star of them all. Is it still Jack? Tom Hanks? Clooney? Jack is the only one of those who only needs a first name.

Charlize Theron looks very pleased with her pointy sculpted breastplates.

00:26 am Apparently Barkhad Abdi is broke. He earned $65,000 for Captain Phillips.

Benedict feels like he has been nominated. You haven’t, Benedict.

00:30am J-Law has gone for a beautiful tomato red gown with a demi-peplum, or ‘peplum flaps’.

00:33am “She always recovers so well” says someone on telly after J-Law hits the deck on her way out of her limo. True. Now to graduate to not falling over in the first place.

00:35am Is Cate a giant or is Ryan Seacrest a hobbit? We suppose it could be a bit of both.

00:39am OSCARS BINGO! Liza Minelli is wearing trousers.

00:42am Cuarón is this years’s Theron, in that nobody can agree how to pronounce it.

00:47 Calista looks absolutely beautiful, even though she and Naomi appear to have turned up in the same dress. AWKWARD.

00:49am Julia Roberts may or may not also be wearing a peplum #peplumwatch

Peplums are one of these things that women think they understand, like they have control over them, like those dresses with another body shape drawn on them.

00:55am Sandra Bullock has arrived, in dark blue. The ceremony is about to begin, so if you need a wee, go now.

Jared and Matthew are both in white tuxes. They’re gonna look MASH in the winners’ photos later.

01:17am Apologies for the short delay; our internets went bad. But we’re back! We have not seen: Brad, George, Angelina, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise or Tom Hardy. Is Tom Hardy there? We want Tom Hardy!

01:20am TEN MINUTES TO GO. Do you know beforehand who you’re sitting next to at the ceremony? Or is it like a wedding where you arrive and check the seating plan and you’re all, fuck yeah, the Cruiser! Or aw man, stuck next to Billy Crystal!

We  bet Billy Crystal talks all the way through the show.

He’d say ‘You look lovely’ and you’d have to say ‘You too!’ the way you say ‘You too’ to waiters when they say they hope you enjoy your meal.

01:23am Phew, Angelina and Brad are here. And DING DING, Kevin Spacey is in blue. FIVE MINUTES TO GO (it took a while to type that).

01:27am We are discussing the Best Picture Oscar. None of us would pick 12 Years A Slave as our personal choice, even though it will probably win.

Victor, our resident movie music expert, thinks Steven Price will take the original score gong for Gravity.

“Song-wise, I’d like it to be “Let It Go” although I’m sure fans of popular beat combo U2 will be hoping it’s them”, he adds.

01:29am The breakdown is: 1 (Victor) for American Hustle, 1 (Clio) for Gravity, 1 (Marv) for Wolf of Wall Street, 1 (Laura) for Dallas Buyers Club, 1 (veal) undecided.

01:30am @lenadunham: “Pharell already won because he wore shorts and allowed his wife to be taller than him”

01:31am Heeeere’s Ellen! She starts by thanking the world for our prayers following the rain in Los Angeles, and the Academy for having her back “seven short years” after she was last invited to host.

01:33am The real Captain Phillips AND the real Philomena are in the audience. (SPOILERS!)

01:34am Ellen makes a trans joke. Imagine if Jonathan Ross had done that!

“You should think of yourselves as winners. Not all of you; the ones who’ve won before.”

01:35am There’s Amy! We love Amy. We LOVE her. “You’re in two nominated movies tonight”, Ellen tells her. “That’s so…what’s the word? Selfish.”

01:37am Ellen’s reception is a bit muted so far, it seems, though Julia Roberts is enjoying it.

Camilla Alves, wife of Matthew McConaissance,  looks like a visiting dignitary. In a good way!

01:39am Billy Crystal is somewhere going, “What, no song?”

The night is full of possibilities, says Ellen. “Possibility number one, 12 Years A Slave wins Best Picture. Possibility number two, you’re all racists.”

01:41am Ooh, an award! And Anne Hathaway, who was famous as recently as a year ago!

We think Jared Leto for this. Do we? We do.

01:42am Although Barkhad needs a job.

01:43am Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor! Michael Fassbender looks rueful.

01:44am Jared sweetly praises his mother, who is also his date for the night. Also his brother, who is less pretty than he is.

We like his red bow tie. Lenny Henry would wear a red bow tie.

01:46am Jared’s award is dedicated to everyone who’s ever suffered because of AIDS or injustice. That’s a lotta people.

Meanwhile, Ellen is taking a selfie onstage, just like Ant and Dec did at the TV awards.

01:47am Here’s Jim Carrey to present the next award. “Don’t patronise me”, he says as the crowd applaud him.

“Tell you what, if I had died of AIDS I’d feel pretty good about that shout out from Jared Leto”, says Marv.

01:48am Jim, your “I didn’t get nominated” schtick was old 10 years ago.  Drop it already!

01:50am OK, Jim wasn’t here to present an award. We don’t know why he was here. Anyone?

01:51am A song! It’s Pharrell Williams singing “Happy”. “Right, I can take a bathroom break now”, says Victor.

It’s unclear whether he’s wearing THE hat. He’s certainly wearing A hat. It’s all very restrained for a musical number, though.  What is this, the austerity Oscars?

01:55am We go to an ad break, during which time we’d like to point you in the direction of this discovery that Jared Leto looks like Jesus, though you probably already knew that.

The dog, we can report, sighed heavily at Pharrell.

01:57am It’s Naomi Watts and Samuel L Jackson to present the awards for costume design, and makeup and hair styling. We’re broadly going for American Hustle, though Gatsby’s in with a shout.

01:58am And the Oscar for costume design goes to The Great Gatsby! The orchestra play arch twenties music as Catherine Martin, aka Mrs Baz Lurhmann, takes to the stage.

02:00am The Oscar for makeup and hair goes to Dallas Buyers Club, and not to “Jackarse”, as Naomi charmingly called it (“like Diana would have”, adds veal).

02:02am Indiana Jones music heralds the arrival of Harrison Ford (“it would hardly be Shia LeBoeuf”, says Victor), here to introduce the first three nominees for Best Picture: American Hustle, Dallas Buyers Club and The Wolf of Wall Street. None of these will win.

02:06am It’s Channing Tatum! We fondly remember how gorgeous his very pregnant wife Jenna looked last year. Channing has beefed up a touch since then.

02:10am We’re back! Kim Novak and Matthew McConaughey are here to present the animation awards.

It’s kind of hard to tell what Kim Novak is saying. She doesn’t…talk so good, you know?

02:13am …and the Animated Short award goes to Mr Hublot! We think Frozen will win Animated Feature.

02:14am …and it does!

02:19am Here’s Sally Field looking gorgeous but apparently struggling with the autocue as she introduces an inexplicable montage of “real-life heroes”. Thomas Newman music is perfect for montages, says Victor, who ought to know.

02:21am Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt arrive to talk VFX. This has to go to Gravity, right?

“Joseph Gordon-Levitt can’t not be a Broadway musical performer whatever he does. I bet he pisses in a broadway show kind of way”, says Marv.

02:22am And the award goes to Gravity.

02:23am These guys pronounce it “Kweron”. They thank “the families of all the visual effects artists”.

02:24am It’s another song.

02:31am Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis are here to present the Live Action Short film. Kate  is wearing Versace and she looks like a movie star, in exactly the way she never does in her films.

02:32am And the Oscar goes to Helium! We find ourselves unable to express any interesting thoughts about this, because most of us have not seen any of the films. “One of them seemed to have Martin Freeman in it”, says veal.

02:34am The Oscar for Documentary Short goes to The Lady In Number 6: Music Saved My Life, as predicted by Laura.

02:36am “I’ll tell you what”, says Marv, “if this teaches me nothing else it teaches me that men DO look good dressed smartly. I may change my whole look.”

02:37am Bradley Cooper introduces the nominees for Best Documentary Feature. We’re going for The Act of Killing.

02:38am …but the Oscar goes to 20 Feet From Stardom!

“Someone who is an academy member and voted for it was just telling me about 20 Feet From Stardom”, says veal, “and the women in the movie have been doing little gigs in small venues in the last few months.”

Have YOU seen the women from 20 Feet From Stardom in your local small venue? We will pay £20 for your story.

02:40am Clever orchestra avoidance tactic here from Darlene Love – start belting out a song.

02:41am Kevin Spacey announces honorary awards for Angela Lansbury, Steve Martin and Piero Tosi. Angelina wins some sort of humanitarian award. Didn’t she win a humanitarian award last time out?

You can exercise with Angela Lansbury, of course.

02:47am During the ad break we discuss how well Ellen’s doing. “I know that as I’ve got tireder, I’ve got more mean-spirited”, says Marv, “but is Ellen not dying on her arse here a bit?”

veal thinks she ” seems relaxed but almost to the point of not having planned anything.”

Say what you like about Seth McFarlane, but he really put the hours in. This is all a bit low-key. Billy Crystal must be twisting a handkerchief in fury right now.

02:49am Whee, it’s Viola Davis, looking queenly and sensational in peacock silk. She’s with Ewan McGregor, who is exactly the same height as she is, to announce the nominees for best foreign language film. The chances of seeing a penis have just dramatically improved.

02:51am We were busy debating the colour of Viola’s dress (candidates included “teal” and “emerald”) and forgot to announce the winner, which is The Great Beauty.

02:52am Tyler Perry introduces the next three candidates for Best Picture: Nebraska, Her and Gravity. Meanwhile, Amy Adams appears to be texting, or maybe she’s just checking Twitter.

02:54am Oh man, did Ellen die? She is suddenly all in white. She introduces Brad Pitt, who introduces U2. Some of us decide to go and check on the toddler.

02:56am We have descended into squabbling about whether Leo is better-looking than Brad. Do you see what you did, Bono?

“This song is always threatening to turn into another one, which I can’t place”, says Victor. “Anyway, at least it means Idina’ll be a case of saving the best for last.”

[It might be New Order’s True Faith, which has nearly the same tune.]

02:59am It’s another ad break, and now we’re on to whether Naomi Campbell and Adam Clayton were married, or just dated, and whether any of us knows The Edge’s real name. “It’s Theodore Edge”, says Marv.

03:02am Ellen is talking to Meryl Streep. It’s cute but also underwhelming.

03:03am Well, OK, now it’s the best selfie ever:

03:04am We get a short rehash of last month’s tech awards. “Stars don’t want nerds harshing their mellow”, advises Clio.

Next up are the sound awards. We’re tipping Gravity again.

03:08am Gravity wins both sound awards. Every time Gravity wins there’s an obligatory shot of Sandy smiling and clapping.

03:12am Hemsworth’s 60s backing singer burgundy jacket is a really nice look. We are a bit smitten by Hemsworth.

Christoph Waltz is here looking suave and lovely to present the Best Supporting Actress award. This is nailed on for J-Law, isn’t it? Although we wouldn’t mind a surprise win for Lupita. The clips are all very SHOUTY.

03:14am And the winner is…

Lupita Nyong’o! Marv loses a £4 bet.

03:15am Someone on Sky says it’s because Lupita has done all the red carpets while J-Law was busy working. “J-Law didn’t really want it, apparently”, says Clio. Lupita is very beautiful and very posh, and cries.

03:17am Lupita is still going. But they don’t cut into acting winners with the interrupting orchestra, do they?

No, they don’t and she’s allowed to finish. “Her name rhymes with Blue Peter” points out Marv, helpfully.

03:20am Lupita’s win sparks debate at MostlyFilm Towers over Chiwetel’s chances of taking Best Actor, but on balance we still think it’ll be McConaughey.

03:22am Ellen has pizza delivered onstage. Has this been done before? People will love getting greasy cheese on dresses they have to give back tomorrow. Would Billy Crystal do this?

At least it’s different.

“Look at me, I eat! I don’t diet to be this thin. I am also down to earth and eat common people food.”

03:24am Over on Facebook, Gawker are asking What’s Up With Kim Novak?, as well they might following her bizarre turn earlier.

03:26am It’s Amy Adams and Bill Murray! And everything’s OK again. They are here to introduce the Cinematography nominees.

03:27am There’s something a little Ludwig Van about Bill’s hair these days. He gets a nice mention of Harold Ramis in, but the Oscar goes to Gravity, which is sweeping all before it so far.

03:31am And Gravity also takes the Editing award.

Hang in there, folks, there’s barely the length of Gravity to go until we can go to bed!

03:33am They cut Alfonso off!  Does that mean they think he’ll be back later?

Ah Whoopi. It’s an Oscar she’s presenting, but it’s not an Oscar Oscar.

Whoopi’s almost incomprehensible. She appears to be introducing Liza Minelli.

03:34am No, that was a false alarm. She’s actually introducing Pink, singing a tribute to The Wizard of Oz. They have Liza Minelli and Lorna Luft right there and Pink gets to sing?!

03:36am Veal thinks Pink is probably a safer pair of lungs than the Garland girls. She’s probably right. Music teachers everywhere will be angered by her taking a breath in the middle of “somewhere”, though.

03:38am Oof, there’s a wibble in Pink’s last note. It is, however, over now, so that’s something.

03:41am It’s another ad break. Make a cup of tea, why don’t you?

03:43am Ellen comes on as Glinda. Luft enjoys it very much indeed.

CUMBERBATCH!

03:44am Oh sorry, and Jennifer Garner. They are to present Production Design, which Laura would like to give to Gatsby, but which we think Gravity may sneak.

03:45am Gatsby wins! The first category that Gravity has lost in. Mrs Baz almost seems to be bored of winning Oscars now.

03:46am It appears that Clooney isn’t here. We may switch everything off and go and do something improving now.

03:47am There is now a montage segment on “popular heroes” but to be honest, it’s ten to four in the morning and we can’t quite bring ourselves to work out what it is or why it’s happening. There’s D-Rad looking small(er than he is now) and James Bond, and The Incredible Hulk.

(The heroes are almost all men. Almost.)

03:53am Glenn Close is here, dressed as Cruella, to introduce the In Memoriam segment, which this year will be an even more morose affair than usual.

03:57am Oof, that was a tough watch. Too many people gone too soon. And they were going so well, but now Bette Midler has popped up singing Wind Beneath My Wings.

“I hope she doesn’t do that bit at the end where she goes fllllyyyyy, flyyyyyyy, in a weird upturned slide”, says veal, speaking for us all.

04:00am Oh BETTE, don’t change the song.

WE’RE INTO THE LAST HOUR, FOLKS.

04:02am At least Elton John didn’t come on behind a piano and update Candle in the Wind. “Goodbye Uncle Monty…”

04:01am She’s a bit flat in places. And breathless. That was horrible.

04:05am “I wasn’t getting the full message of the song but then Bette Midler did the wing motion and I was like, “Yes. Now it works.” says Aaron Fullerton on Twitter.

04:06am Goldie Hawn, looking like a lovely orange cat, introduces the final three candidates for Best Picture – Philomena, Captain Phillips and 12 Years A Slave, which will win, unless Gravity does.

Hang on, is Tom Hanks not there either? ARE THESE EVEN THE REAL OSCARS?

04:08am Here’s John Travolta. If he is, as we suspect, a waxwork, he will surely begin to melt up there. He introduces the final candidate for Best Song; Let It Go from Frozen, performed by Idina Menzel, whom he appears to call Adele Dazim, or possibly Andy Darcy.

Ooh, she’s nervous, holding the mic too close and veering sharp here and there.

04:11am Arlene Cantrell? Arthur Askey? Anyone who works out what Travolta said should win a prize.

Sharp she may be, but Idina does actually look like a Disney princess in that dress, so props for that.

04:13am The stars of Stealth, ladies and gentlemen: Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel are here to give the music awards. Laura has a friend of a friend nominated in this category, whom Victor, our expert, has tipped for the win, so please cross your fingers for Steven Price and Gravity.

04:15am And the Oscar goes to Gravity!

04:16am And now Best Song, in which our fervent hope is for Anything But Bono.

04:17am The winner is Let It Go from Frozen. Kristen Bell looks super cute every time Frozen wins. We love that they are a husband and wife team. In the deluxe Frozen CD, veal informs us, they get their kids to sing the kids’ parts in the demos of the songs that didn’t make it to the movie, and their kids are super cute too.

04:24am We’re on to the screenplay awards now – Best Adapted first, and we’re predicting a win for 12 Years A Slave.

04:25am And 12 Years A Slave it is! Someone PLEASE depart from the script! An upset somewhere, please!

04:26am So John Ridley, so shockingly dismissed by Steve McQueen earlier, wins for copying out someone else’s book (according to Steve McQueen). “They’re Solomon’s words”, confirms John.

04:28am Original Screenplay goes to Spike Jonze, in a minor upset.

Edel Hassim?

04:34am Standing ovation for Sidney Poitier, presenting Best Director with Angelina Jolie. Angelina is good at looking at us, the audience, while her co-presenter talks, like Ant & Dec do.

We think Cuarón (“Kerone”) for this one.

04:35am And the award goes to Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity. Steve McQueen trying hard to smile.

04:36am “Fun fact: John Ridley, writer of 12 Years A Slave, also wrote for Martin and The Fresh Prince”, says @CompexMag.

Just goes to show.

04:38am A lot of beards this year.

04:39am As we get closer to the end, the ratio of ads to ceremony creeps close to 50:50. You should probably make another cup of tea.

04:40am So far Gravity has won everything it was up for, with the exception of Production Design. Could it sneak past 12YAS to take Best Picture? It has momentum.

04:41am “Momentum” is a good word, isn’t it? Momentum.

04:42am It’s Daniel Day Lewis, here to give Cate Blanchett the Best Actress Oscar.

04:43am We wonder how Daniel Day Lewis prepared for the role of award presenter? A year as a town crier, maybe.

04:44am Maybe  he turned up at schools and handed out prizes.

04:45am Whatever, it’s paid off. He is nailing this.

It’s Cate, of course. Woody-watch!

04:46am Yep, there it is. The applause is…careful.

04:47am Travolta is back in the audience, we see. Defeated by a name, but unbowed.

(Cate is still talking. She hasn’t said anything you wouldn’t have expected her to. No tears either.)

04:48am Best Actor next. Will J-Law fall over again, is the question on everyone’s lips. Nobody cares who wins.

The thing about the peplum is that it sort of looks like a blouse and a long skirt, which feels like a tame choice for Oscars night. She carries off the colour beautifully, though.

04:50am We love Leo, but you can’t give Leo a prize for being in a film in which the best thing is one of his fellow nominees. McConaughey all the way!

04:51am McConaugh-wahey! He looks very happy. He also, incidentally, confirms that it’s “Letto” and not “Leeto”.

04:53am Oh dear, he’s thanking God.

04:55am We love The McConaissance Man, but we’re sort of wishing the orchestra would strike up and drown him out now.

04:56am It’s Will Smith introducing Best Picture! We don’t know why. Even Will has quite a full beard these days. He came on to music from “The American President”, about which we have nothing to say.

04:57am The Oscar goes to 12 Years A Slave! Angelina briefly hugs Cumberbatch and the world stops for a moment, trying to work out which of them it’s more jealous of.

05:00am OSCAR BINGO as Steve McQueen reminds us that slavery is bad, mmkay?

05:03am Well, that’s it for another year, folks. We didn’t do badly on our Oscars bingo, although keen-eyed readers will be relieved to learn that no babies were produced during the making of this live blog. We’re all off to play beach volleyball and drink rum cocktails with Matthew and Camilla. Thank you for coming along for the ride and remember: when someone asks if you’re a slave, you say “NO”! It’s not rocket science.