Did you sleep through the Oscars? Never fear, we had your back.

Preamble: Good evening, and welcome to MostlyFilm’s fourth annual Oscars extravaganza, staying awake through the night so you don’t have to. Your hosts tonight are Clio, who has been an Oscars fan for years, but is desperately (and probably vainly) hoping for a few major upsets tonight, to stop things becoming too boring; Victor, who would be ashamed to admit that the only one of the music nominees he’s experienced the music from in situ is The Lego Movie, except that two of them haven’t been released in Britain and the Oscars snubbed Emmett anyway; Laura, who has spent the weekend napping in preparation and is raring to go, and Marv, who is starting with a box of Ritz Crackers and then will go where the morning takes him.

We have snacks! We have soda! (We are speaking American for tonight, to get into the mood.) We have the big screen ready and the lights dimmed! As usual we are playing Oscars Bingo, and this year we want to see:

• A nominee with their mother as their date
• J-Law falling over
• Alternatively, J-Law doing anything at all that makes the internet collectively squeal with delight
• A barbed mention of the Best Animated Feature snub when The Lego Movie wins Best Song*
• The annual Samuel L Jackson Memorial Really Bad Loser Award
• Benedict Cumberbatch continues to try to make photobombing A Thing
• Someone makes a lame joke about Ellen’s 2014 selfie
• We make a lame joke about the wrong Chris Evans
• Selma wins Best Song to prove that the Academy are Not Racist*
• A Selma winner is cut short while talking about racism

*We acknowledge that these two are mutually exclusive, but we can’t decide which one we like best.

We’re all off to polish our diamonds and get into our gowns. See you back here sometime around 11pm, UK time.

10:56pm: Americans do red carpet commentary so much better than Brits, don’t they? Although we are collectively unsure about Ryan Seacrest’s facial hair.

11pm: BREAKING: Neil Patrick Harris says he’s not going to be dancing. America Ferrera is wearing a colour we don’t know the name of, but like.

Update: It might be teal.

11:01pm: Eddie Redmayne is playing a transexual artist in his next role, apparently. We are excited. It’s directed by Tom Hooper. Oh.

There is a cluster of Arquettes on the red carpet. What is the collective noun for Arquettes, actually? Your thoughts welcome.

11:03pm: Patricia, you’re beautiful and we love you and we can’t wait for you to win tonight, but you could have had your hair done.

11:05pm: Ryan is interviewing an actual chef. Apparently the lucky guests will be eating mini burgers and “chicken pork pies” tonight. We may have misheard that.

11:08pm: Marion Cotillard is wearing something that “is taking everyone’s breath away” according to fashion expert Kelly Osbourne, who has lilac hair. We feel bad for wanting Julianne to win because we HEART Marion, but she does already have an Oscar.

11:12pm: “We’ll be right back with more unexpected surprises and fun”, E! assure us. Much better than boring old expected surprises.

11:14pm: The man nominated for the song from Selma is called “Common”. We suddenly feel a bit like a high court judge. Common’s tux is by Prada. “I’m just here to style and be here at the Oscars”, he says. You’re in the right place, Common!

11:17pm: A lot of boobs around. But enough about Kelly Osbourne and Ross Matthews LOL WE KILL US. Will.i.am has come as a train engineer! A toy train engineer.

11:20pm: “There are so few people who can rock red hair”, says Kelly Osbourne of Jessica Chastain. Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Amy Adams, Isla Fisher, Nicole Kidman, Christina Hendricks and Eddie Redmayne would disagree with you, Kels.

11:23pm: Oh! Margot Robbie, who is crazily beautiful IRL, has straight hair and looks like she’s on her way to work in an office.

11:27pm: Felicity Jones’s fringe is smokin’.

11:28pm: BREAKING: Marv has eaten all the Ritz Crackers. “How often do famous people get their hair cut?” he asks. “I bet it’s loads.”

11:30pm: “Unless you’re Common, or Sean Connery, or Sinead O’Connor” says Victor.

But wait, don’t those people have to get their hair cut all the time?

Never say you don’t get incisive commentary from us here at MostlyFilm.

11:33pm: Sky have Alexa Chung, Noel Clarke and Boyd Hilton on the sofas. Are we bad to feel unexcited about this line-up?

Alexa is talking about tit tape and Spanx. We might switch back to E!

11:36pm: Sky’s Hollywood correspondent is giving us a weather forecast from Los Angeles. Apparently the sun has just come out. Which is nice.

11:37pm: Dakota Johnson is not having fun on the red carpet. Maybe when you talk to Ryan Seacrest your whole body clenches and it makes your voice sound funny.

@TVGuide: “Ryan Seacrest made Dakota Johnson more visibly uncomfortable than she was in 50 Shades of Grey.”

11:42pm: Ethan Hawke gets younger every year. Meanwhile we are respecting the extreme flatness of Richard Linklater’s hair.

11:45pm: Laura Dern with her dad! So close to our first Oscars Bingo!

11:48: What do you think Richard Linklater asked his barber for?

11:49pm: Bruce Dern gets MostlyFilm’s honorary Best Beard Oscar. So far.

Hey, it’s Tracy Morgan. Oh, sorry, it’s David Oyelowo.

11:50pm: Oh man, now we want to see Tracy Morgan as Martin Luther King. Get well soon Tracy!

11:51pm: Did Bruce Dern just call Ryan Seacrest “The untimate endurance test”? Well, probably not, but that’s what it sounded like.

11:52pm: Oh, here’s Marion Cotillard. She looks lovely, but the dress is distinctly not jaw-dropping. If it weren’t white, it would look like something you might wear to someone else’s wedding.

11:53pm: No facial hair for Michael Keaton today. Rosamund Pike arrives, with someone holding an umbrella over her head. It must still be raining at that end of the red carpet. She is in red, which reminds us to be pleased at how many people are wearing actual colours this year. Even David Oyelowo is in red!

11:56pm: A lady in black has been standing behind Ryan Seacrest all evening. Is she a talent wrangler? Is that a job? We’d quite like to try it.

Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and his wife Behati Prinsloo look like beautiful aliens. (WARNING: Mailonline link.)

11:58pm: Still digging Felicity Jones’s fringe, but we’re not wild about her dress, which is a bit overwhelming on her. Lupita is here! Her dress seems to be made of pearls. It’s also raining where she is. Felicity says of Stephen Hawking that “he has a very flirtatious nature”.

Midnight: Michael Keaton has the look of someone on a permo.

Adam Levine is scheduled to perform as ‘Adam Levine with Maroon 5’! Shouldn’t it be Maroon 4, if Adam has outgrown being a Maroon?

00:02: We suppose the Oscars is a good night for talent wranglers. Like bears on that day when the salmon all swim upstream to mate.

Always a brave move to ask Robert Duvall a question. Things will go haywire for sure, but you can’t know to what extent.

00:05: It’s definitely raining now. Kelly and Ross are caught unawares in their roof gallery and find themselves unexpectedly wet. “We’re under a leaky carpet tent here”, says Ryan. If you say so, Ryan.

00:10: It’s all gone a bit samey, the way the red carpet does an hour in. If you’re anyone who’s anyone, you arrive at the beginning or the end, not in the middle.

Miles Teller! Come on Miles Teller, use those mad drum skills all over Ryan’s head!

00:13: Hey, what’s black and white and red all over?

It’s the Oscars red carpet!

Because it’s red, and everyone is wearing red, or black and white, or black or white.

No? Oh.

00:14: Noel Clarke distinguishes himself on the Sky sofa. “I think Grand Budapest Hotel will win Best Picture. Is it nominated?”

The internet seems to have really liked David Oyelowo’s decision to dress like a croupier. Well, how we imagine a croupier dresses.

00:16: Julianne Moore is in pearls too. Like, all over pearls. This appears to be A Thing. If it is a thing, it’s a #winning thing.

If we never see that trailer for The Royals again it’ll be too soon.

00:17: Because no E! show is complete without a Kardashian, here’s Khloe, telling us about driving her car into a ditch.

00:20: “I would never have predicted this colour for tonight”, says Khloe of Anna Kendrick’s dress, which is a pinky-red. “For me, it’s not an Oscars colour”. Khloe is in red, which is the colour of the night. Pinky-red, though, is All Wrong.

“Too much red now” says Marv. “If I was on the way there and was wearing red I’d duck into Halford’s for some spray paint.”

00:28: Rita Ora is here looking fabulous, but we can’t imagine how she got in without getting her carpet-dragging gown wet. Maybe someone carried her?

Cate Blanchett is in black, with a blue explosion of a necklace.

“We toss around the words statement necklace“, says a voice on E!

“I know I do”, says Marv.

Kelly and Ross haven’t reappeared since they were drenched by rain quarter of an hour ago. Perhaps they’ve been swept away?

00:35: E!’s fashion police are discussing Lupita’s dress, which they’ve decided is both A Statement Piece and A Conversation Piece. Meanwhile Kelly Osbourne has reappeared, having been rescued from the tempest.

00:41: We suspect the weather has scotched red carpet arrivals for now, as E!’s coverage switches to Kelly, Khloe and some other people probably beginning with K discussing dresses. Awkwardly, one of them is wearing almost the exact colour that Khloe has banned from the Oscars! But then, so is Khloe.

00:45: OSCARS BINGO! Dakota Johnson is here with Melanie Griffith.

00:48: (Some of us have only just worked out that Dakota Johnson is the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson.)

00:51: Benedict Cumberbatch, or “Ben” as Eddie Redmayne called him earlier, is in a white tux, getting his Bond bid in early.

00:52: POINT OF ORDER: Dakota Johnson is not an Oscar nominee (maybe next year!), so her turning up with Melanie Griffith doesn’t count. BINGO RESCINDED.

00:54: The fashion police of E! are in raptures over Reese Witherspoon’s black and white (of course) outfit, but we think it makes her look a bit faded, which she isn’t.

00:55: Viola Davis is in an eggshell pink, which is the only colour apart from red and black and white that we’re seeing a lot of this year. She is, of course, another one who pulls off red hair with style, Kelly.

00:58: Sky is reduced to displaying tweets from viewers. “Richard Linklater deserves best director to film a movie for 12 year is groundbreaking #comeonrichard”, one of them says. Powerful stuff.

1am: Wait! Did we just nearly see Scar-Jo?

01:01: “Can we please have the fashion panel shot?” asks Victor. “Preferably all with the same bullet like that bit in Indiana Jones and the last Crusade?”

01:03: OSCARS BINGO! Emma Stone, who definitely is nominated, is here with her mum. Phew.

01:05: Eddie Redmayne has said “piss” on Sky. Is that OK?

01:06: Scar-Jo spotted! In green!

01:13: We missed Jessica Chastain too, but fortunately someone else caught her. We’d need to see it in action, we think, before we can make a judgement (no doubt she’s anticipating the moment eagerly). We are always fans of deep blue with red hair, though.

01:15: In the traditional pre-ceremony lull, we’re talking predictions. We’re all agreed on Julianne Moore, Patricia Arquette and JK Simmons. We’re leaning towards Boyhood for Best Picture, and none of us can decide between Keaton and Redmayne for Best Actor. “Tortured actor vs. most famous physically challenged person in the world, it’s going to be hard to call” says Clio.

01:19: We all loved Grand Budapest Hotel and think it will take the visual awards and maybe original screenplay.

Emma Stone is in GOLD.

01:21: Alexa Chung is cross because she’s just submitted her top three looks for the night, and now Emma Stone’s turned up looking amazing.

Lady Gaga is wearing pearls like everyone else, only more so.

01:23: Ben has come as his own waxwork tonight:

01:25: Boyd Hilton leads the Birdman backlash on Sky. “It’s less than the sum of its parts”.

01:26: We feel bad that we were rude about Reese Witherspoon’s dress now, because she won’t tell anyone who it’s by, so that they’re forced to ask her something else. Bravo, Reesey.

01:28: Although, um, she has tweeted that it was by Tom Ford. Do you think she had to pay for it?

01:30: Right, we’re heading into the theatre! Time to go to the loo and make a fresh pot of tea.

When we said “go to the loo and make a fresh pot of tea”, we didn’t mean at the same time. First one, then the other. OK?

Meanwhile German TV is having fun photoshopping Neil Patrick Harris into all the Oscar-nominated movie posters.

01:32: NPH launches straight into the race debate: “Tonight we honour Hollywood’s best and whitest. Sorry, brightest.”

He is also dancing, the big old fibber.

01:33: It’s already better than last year’s show! This is an ace opening song, and the VFX are super. Yay NPH!

01:35: We can’t even describe this song, which now also features Anna Kendick and Jack Black. You’ll just have to watch it:

Dancing Stormtroopers! Damn, why didn’t we have that on the bingo card?

01:37: <wild applause>

01:39: First dud joke of the night! Something to do with Oprah being rich. No, us neither.

Lupita Nyong’o is here to present Best Supporting Actor to JK Simmons.

01:42: And the first award of the night goes to JK Simmons! Will he thank his above average children again?

01:44: Yep, there we go. Now he’s telling us to call our parents. OK, JK. We promise. Jeez, would you leave us alone already?

01:46: NPH tells us that his Oscar predictions are locked inside a briefcase at the side of the stage, which PriceWaterhouseCoopers have been guarding all week. Someone cheers at the mention of PWC. They must really love a good audit.

01:47: Here’s Liam Neeson. What does he want?

Oh, he’s introducing the first batch of Best Picture nominees. Isn’t putting GBH and American Sniper together just about the oddest juxtaposition possible?

Liam should hold the show hostage until they agree to nominate Ralph Fiennes (notable by his absence tonight) for best actor.

01:49: That bit when he says “She’s been murdered, and you think I did it.” That should get an Oscar.

01:51: Also “Very good! I’m going to stop you there because the alarm has sounded, but remember where we left off, because I insist you finish later!”, that should get one too.

01:52: Adam Levine is singing a song from Begin Again. We’re sort of missing Pharrell and his hat.

01:54: @TheOnion: “Clint Eastwood Asks For Music To Be Turned Down During Maroon 5’s Performance”

We are 24 minutes in with one award down. At this rate we’ll still be here when it’s time to get up for work in the morning.

01:57: J-Lo is in pink. We don’t know whether Khloe’s OK with pink. She (Jen) and Chris Pine are here to present the Costume Design award, which we think will go to Grand Budapest Hotel.

01:58: And the Oscar goes to Grand Budapest Hotel!

“If Clint Eastwood died in the seat next to you but he did it quietly, would you tell anyone straight away or would you wait for a break?”, says Marv.

01:59: This is Milena Canonero’s fourth Oscar, and ninth nomination. You go, girl! She also drops in a sly promotion of Wes’s back-catalogue.

02:00: Reese Witherspoon is on to present the award for hair and make-up, but we’re busy trying to work out who just tripped over J-Lo’s dress.

We’re predicting a double for Grand Budapest Hotel here.

02:01: Win! GBH it is. As it were.

The joint winners of this award have three nominations and three Oscars between them. That’s some hit rate. But then, how could you withhold the award from anyone who can make Tilda Swinton look like this?

They also mention Wes’s back catalogue. Is this a conspiracy?

02:04: An award is being given to some young people. We were busy looking at pictures of Tilda Swinton and missed what it is. It’s not, in any case, an Oscar.

02:06: Alex Zane on Sky has had “a lot of people getting in touch on Squitter”, apparently. Do you suppose he gets paid for this?

02:08: NPH seems a little nervous, which perhaps is par for the course when you keep being reminded that you are being watched by one billion people. Although it never seemed to bother Billy Crystal. But in the old days you were given more of a chance. Nowadays if Twitter doesn’t like you within two minutes, you’re done. Poor NPH. Frankly, he’s working with duff material.

02:09: Chiwetel Ejiofor and Nicole Kidman have been judged worthy enough to present the Oscar for Foreign Language Film, which goes to Ida.

Pawel Pawlikowski, writer and director, has blue hair. He’s goes over his allotted time (and didn’t he get less than his more famous colleagues?) and the orchestra start to play, but briliantly he just keeps going, and they give up. Well done that man! Keira enjoys it too.

02:13: Shirley MacLaine is in a sparkly three-piece suit to introduce the next pair of Best Picture nominees.

Actually if you count the scarf, it’s a four-piece suit. She struggles with the autocue slightly but on the other hand, she has excellent earrings.

02:18: LEGO MOVIE SONG! Out of context, this is kind of awful.

How can you be a man in his 80s in a theatre watching this unfold? What happens to you in that situation?

02:22: Still, at least Lego have saved a bunch of money on advertising. Perhaps that makes up for the film missing out on an Animated Feature nomination.

We would like Sky to stop the lameass commentary and let us watch the actual Oscars, please.

02:23: PRO TIP: “Ida” is pronounced “Eeda”, not “Eye-da”.

02:24: Eat our shorts! It’s the live action and documentary shorts categories next!

NPH makes a bad joke about How To Train Your Dragon 2, and then a good one about the most well-adjusted former child star in the room (it’s not him). “Yeah, well I’m the most well-adjusted child star in THIS room”, tweets Mara Wilson.

02:25: That’s not Jason Bateman’s real hair colour, is it?

The Oscar for live action shorts goes to The Phonecall, giving Laura a 100% hit rate with her predictions so far. The winners seem to be so far from the stage that the camera can’t find them. One of them then joins J-Law and J-Lo in an on-trend “falling over on stage” moment.

02:27: They’re being orchestra-ed off too, and also ignoring it. This is an excellent new tendency, although we’re worried it will mean we can’t get to bed at 5am as planned.

Speaking of suspiciously black hair, there’s John Travolta.

02:28: The documentary short award goes to Crisis Hotline, whose makers have much better seats, but are also orchestra’ed off. However, one of them is wearing a dress covered in bouncing pompoms, allowing NPH to quip: “it takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that”

02:33: It looks like Bradley Cooper might be here with his mum too. Didn’t he bring his mum last year? DOUBLE OSCARS BINGO!

NPH has settled down, but the quality of the jokes still leaves something to be desired.

02:34: It’s Gwynnie! Does she still make films?

Oh, she’s introducing Tim McGraw singing the song nominated from the Glenn Campbell doc. SADFACE.

More happily, his hat is even bigger than Pharrell’s. But then, that goes with the territory for country singers. In fact, it’s little-known that the earliest country singers were actually born wearing hats.

Meanwhile, NPH is backstage right now red-faced and screaming at the writers to give him something to work with.

We imagine.

02:42: Best Supporting Actress is coming up, which means we’ll get to check out the state of Jared’s beard.

First, though, NPH is backstage (like we said) doing a scene from Birdman (not like we said). He reappears on stage in underpants. The jokes are getting a bit better.

02:44: Oh, it can’t be Supporting Actress yet because here are Margot Robbie and Miles Teller. They are doing that bit where we all pretend to care about the rundown of the technical awards, which are so lowly-esteemed that they don’t get a TV show of their own, even though US TV has whole channels just for adverts.

02:46: Well, Sky were LYING about Best Supporting Actress because now it’s the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing awards. Does anyone understand the difference between these two? Not us.

Whiplash wins one of them. Good. We’re not quite sure which one, which is probably as it should be.

02:49: American Sniper wins Sound Editing. Does that mean we ought to work out the difference? And is this the only nod Clint will get?

Sienna Miller looks lovely, incidentally.

02:50: The winners for American Sniper could play a live action Statler and Waldorf:

02:51: NOW it’s Best Supporting Actress. Here’s Jared looking as much like Jesus as ever. Maybe more so! This is so certain the Oscar is probably being kept under Patricia Arquette’s seat.

02:53: And the winner is Patricia Arquette! Meanwhile Emma Stone, gloriously, is holding a Lego Oscar as the camera lands on her.

02:58: Patricia uses her speech to call for equal rights and equal pay for women in the USA. Can’t argue with that.

02:59: Do you think Alex Zane’s hair is a joke?

03:00: Oh NEIL, we already TOLD you never to ask Robert Duval a question! It was all going so well!

Rita Ora is singing a song. “I always liked her sister Kia”, says Marv. For other lame Rita Ora jokes please turn your chair around.

03:02: J-Lo looks brilliantly unimpressed by Rita.

03:03: Chloe Grace Moretz is doing something very peculiar with her hands. Are they in her pockets? Or is she holding her dress up away from the stage in case it gets dusty? Maybe her dress is falling down?

It’s Marvel vs. Marvel for VFX. If the Academy wants to be highbrow it will go for Interstellar.

03:04: And it does! A chap onstage is doing something unlikely with his pockets too. Is this a new fashion fad?

A short, elegant and mildly confusing acceptance speech there. Good.

Marv: “To show off how good they are the VFX winners also digitally coloured John Travolta’s hair.”

03:06 It’s animated shorts. They all look good (we haven’t seen them).

The winner is Feast! The recipients look shocked, which is odd because they are seated so close to the stage that they’re basically on it. Surely that was a clue? As was the fact that it’s a Disney picture </cynical>

03:09: It’s Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson presenting the award for Animated Picture. We’re gunning for Big Hero 6, just for the name San Fransokyo.

03:10: Yahoo! BH6 it is. We almost had an Oscars Bingo just there too, when NPH said it was time to distract the Lego Movie folks. We’re going to keep this one in reserve in case it’s not mentioned when the Best Song award is presented. Harsh but fair, that’s us.

03:15: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: We are now halfway through the ceremony. “Something in Neil Patrick Harris’s eyes has died a a bit”, says Katy Brand on Sky.

03:18: The President of the Academy, Cheryl Boone Isaacs, is making a speech, apparently a propos of nothing. She includes an oblique reference to the Sony hack, but we’re still not sure what she’s talking about. She does give good glasses, though.

03:19: She finishes by thanking “the movie-going audience around the world”. You’re welcome, Cheryl! That was a long speech right there, just when things really needed to start shifting along.

03:21: Felicity Jones and Chris Pratt are here to present the award for Production Design. We’re predicting Grand Budapest Hotel again.

And the winner is Grand Budapest Hotel! It makes us happy every time it wins, not just because we love it, but because they play the musical theme from the film, which is just joyful and perfect.

03:22: So many of Wes Anderson’s collaborators look a bit like him, don’t they? From Angelica Huston to Adrien Brody. His set designer does too.

GBH leading the tally impressively right now.

03:23: It’s Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain. We don’t care why they’re here, we’re just going to look at them.

Ah, they’re here for Cinematography. Birdman or Budapest?

03:24: The Oscar goes to Birdman. Chibo for the second year running.

03:26: Performances from Jennifer Hudson and Lady Gaga coming up, apparently. Who’s for opening the wine?

The Sky inserts are excruciating. Next year, we’re going back to dodgy internet streams.

03:30: What do you think they all do during the ad breaks? Do they check their make-up and adjust their seams?

Oh, here’s Meryl introducing the Montage Of The Dead.

03:36: At least they remembered to include Bob Hoskins.

We’re not wild about sticking a song on right afterwards, though.

In our superfluous musical interlude this year, the role of Bette Midler will be played by Jennifer Hudson.

03:37: Still, at least she didn’t sing during the presentation like Queen Latifah did a few years back. What a terrible idea that was.

Oof, this is ear-gratingly naff.

03:41: Apparently they tried to mock up a quick Neil Patrick Harris entry for the Dead Roll there, but they didn’t quite make it.

03:43: Ben and Naomi Watts are introducing the award for Film Editing, which goes to Whiplash, meaning that film is now on level pegging with Grand Budapest Hotel.

NPH “is becoming a diviss-ive host”, says Alex Zane, who is probably wondering where it all went wrong. NPH may be struggling, Alex, but he’s struggling as host of the Oscars ceremony at the Dolby theater. You’re struggling hosting three commentators on a sofa in a TV studio.

03:44: Meanwhile, Twitter is complaining that Joan Rivers was left out of the Montage Of The Dead. Was she a film person? What even was she, actually?

03:47: Terrence Howard introduces the next set of Best Picture nominees. Tone it down Terrence, nobody cares how you feel. Anyway, you’re not overwhelmed, you just can’t read the autocue.

03:49: Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo present the Best Documentary Feature to Citizen Four. NPG manages a subtle “they weren’t nominated” dig as he introduces them.

“The subject of Citizen Four, Edward Snowden, could not be here tonight, for some treason”, says Neil. The audience laughs nervously.

Are Brad and Angelina even here? Where’s Clooney? And J-Law? What’s going on?

03:54: Maybe Alex Zane is going bald, and his bizarre quasi-curtains are a novel form of combover.

03:58: We really hope there’s a good punchline for this protracted briefcase/predictions joke.

Octavia Spencer introduces John Legend and Common to sing the song from Selma. It’s the first nominee that hasn’t actively bothered our ears.

04:01: And maximum bonus points for the Les Mis-esque dancing in the background:

The song gets a standing ovation. David Oyelowo and Chris Pine are crying. Nobody is racist!

04:04: Ah, damn, we forgot to include our intended Oscar Bingo moment of someone joking about Travolta’s pronunciation, and there it is! Twice!

He confirms he’s now able to say “Idina Menzel”

(ICYMI, the joke was Benedict Cumberbatch – not just a great name, but also John Travolta’s pronunciation of “Ben Affleck”)

04:06: Glory from Selma wins Best Song! Oscar Bingo! We’re not racists!

It always seems to be the last song performed that wins. And that’s the last time you’ll hear it on TV.

04:08: Common and John Legend’s acceptance speeches are superb, and we are rightly ashamed of taking the piss.

The orchestra does not dare start up, which has to be a good thing. Another standing ovation. Two in ten minutes!

04:11: Would you say Alex Zane has a mullet? Or is it a hairstyle without a name? It’s like a turbo-mullet. Which is almost TWO fish.

The camera pans to his sofa guests, so Alex sticks out a patent leather shoe which pokes into the corner of the frame and wiggles aggressively.

04:12: Scar-Jo is here. Is that a scarf, or a necklace? And why didn’t she wash her hair? We love you, Scar, but we’re giving this ensemble a thumbs down:

04:15: It’s Lady Gaga singing songs from The Sound Of Music, of course! She looks a little like Barbara Streisand.

This is very mild for her. As is the audience reaction, as far as we can tell.

04:17: Tell you what, though, the lass can sing.

04:19: Hm, perhaps not the final note. But no matter, it’s standing ovation time again. In the background, we are quietly arguing about The Sound Of Music, but we stop in time to enjoy Julie Actual Andrews coming on and giving Steph what looks like a genuinely warm cuddle.

04:21: It must be Original Score now. We’re hoping for Grand Budapest again.

04:23: And Grand Budapest Hotel wins! Alexandre Desplat, who scored it, was also nominated for The Imitation Game. Oscar FACT.

04:25: This is the first time two Oscar noms in this category didn’t cancel each other out since a certain J. Williams with Star Wars, Victor (our resident expert) informs us.

04:29: It’s Eddie Murphy! “He doesn’t need this”, says NPH. Honestly, Neil, at 4.30am nor do we.

It’s the Best Original Screenplay award, which we think is divided between Birdman, GBH and Boyhood. We’d love it to go to GBH, but it goes to Birdman. Our If This Then That algorithms now suggest a Best Picture and Director win for Boyhood/Linklater and an Actor win for Keaton.

04:32: Although the “it had to won something” argument could be countered with “this is the start of the Birdman sweep”, so actually we have no idea. We’re still saying Keaton for Best Actor, either way. Listen, it’s late.

04:33: Emma Stone’s mum is sitting between Emma and Michael Keaton. If things had gone differently she could have doled out two winners’ kisses tonight!

One of the writers of Birdman thanks his dog. We’ll note that down for next year’s Bingo.

“Nobody Does It Better for Oprah Winfrey?” says Victor. “I object.”

04:35: A mini upset as The Imitation Game takes Adapted Screenplay. Wrong scientist!

04:37: Graham Moore gives a terrific acceptance speech and we are chastised again. Good man.

Theory Of Everything is empty-handed so far. It’s not looking great for Redmayne.

04:40: It’s been an odd ceremony. Massive amounts of wasteland separated by some heartfelt speeches. And Travolta looking mere hours from returning to his original liquid form.

04:41: Ben Affleck looks grumpy as he arrives to present the award for Best Director. The Birdman subtitle has finally driven us mad. And the Oscar goes to Birdman and Alejandro González Iñárritu, who gets to the podium and promptly says “fuck”.

Listen, Birdman is fine and it has some good stuff in it, but it’s so arch and knowing and preoccupied with being an award winner! It’s depressing that the Academy has fallen for such an obvious schtick.

And bloody hell Linklater! WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO? The man spent twelve years on that film and loses to a man dressed as a bird.

04:45: Clio is predicting a split, with a Best Picture win for Boyhood. Let’s hope so.

04:48: It’s Cate Blanchett. <MASSIVE YAWN>

04:49: “I haven’t seen The Imitation Game”, says Laura “But in every clip I’ve seen the acting is horrible.”

Michael Keaton has taken his chewing gum out of his mouth for the first time all evening in anticipation of a win.

04:51: The Oscar goes to Eddie Redmayne! Ben looks politely pissed off and wins us half a Bingo! Emma Stone’s mum doesn’t even get to kiss one winner!

04:53: Ben is properly pissed off! We’re claiming a full Oscars Bingo!

Here’s Matthew McConaughey with an exceptional beard. He hasn’t gone full Leto, but it’s close.

04:55: Julianne Moore takes Best Actress! Reese Witherspoon mouths “Hi mom” at the camera.

The other nominees had absolutely PERFECT happy loser faces on for this one. They’re the best actresses!

04:59: Julianne’s speech is very sweet, and her husband takes a photo of her on stage.

05:00: It’s time for the NPH predictions briefcase gag punchline, It’s OUR BEDTIME, Neil. HURRY THIS UP, please.

Hey, maybe it’s not even a gag. Maybe we do just have to sit through Neil Patrick Harris’s Oscar predictions.

05:01: Oh, it’s a magic trick, and quite a good one. Okay, Neil, we’ll give you a pass.

05:03: It’s Sean Penn to announce Best Picture! Hey Sean! “In the end, it’s about the movies themselves”, he booms. “Only one of tonight’s nominees will win the Oscar for Best Picture”, he adds, knowledgeably.

05:04: And the Best Picture Oscar goes to Birdman! Pretension wins out! Keaton must be GUTTED.

05:07: TWELVE YEARS OF WORK.

05:08: González Iñárritu appeases us by winding up his speech with triumphant praise of “this wonderful immigrant nation”. You go, girl!

05:09: Twelve YEARS, though.

05:10: And that’s us done for the night. Thanks for joining us, and do help yourselves to the leftover snacks before you go.

Ahi nos vemos, amigos!