Here it is; the groove, slightly transformed.
How’s your summer going? Here at Europe’s Best Website, we like to kick back in the sun once in a while, and take a moment to reflect on good things in the past and exciting things to come. And if the rays remain elusive, then let’s just do all that stuff anyway! It’s Friday, it’s August, and you’re in the office wishing you weren’t – so let’s provide you with some excellent skiving material. You know you’ll thank us.
As Snoop Dogg was at pains to point out all those years ago, to keep coming up with funky-ass shit nearly every single day can prove something of a chore. But in the last fortnight-or-so alone we’ve had reviews of Diary Of A Teenage Girl, Amy, Hard To Be A God and Trainwreck! We’ve brought you white-hot reports of a whole bunch of Fringe theatre, alongside a sizzling new theory that David Cronenberg might actually be a dirty hippy! And there’s also been a discursive ramble or two, firstly through the quality-variable Jaws canon, and latterly looking at the action career of one Mr Liam John Neeson OBE!
So you see, Mr. Dogg – if that is your real name – providing funky-ass shit three times a week is just fine. Chill out, sir.
We even ran an amazing competition, which you can still enter, if you’re quick. If you’d like to receive a copy of Brian Limond’s new book ‘Daft Wee Stories’ completely without charge or obligation – signed by the author and with a insulting from-Limmy’s-heart personal message just for you – then either retweet this, or if you’re not on The Tweeter then leave an emoji of some sort in the comment box below – we’re not saying the ruder the better will help you in the slightest (our competitions are overseen by two independent adjudicators, after all) but it certainly can’t hurt to try. A winner will be picked at lunchtime on Monday, and a gift-bearing raven will be sent out shortly after that.
But enough about us. What else is happening out there? The first cool hint of Autumn must mean it’s trailer-season, and what YouTubey jewels exist on the superhighway to thrill/bore us (delete as appropriate) at the click of a hyperlink?
Well, Doctor Who’s back shortly – we liked large chunks of the last series, and we’re perfectly prepared to look forward to large chunks of this series, too. But if ever a trailer screamed that #MoffatMustGo, it’s this tired, rote, embarrassing-looking one. We really, really hope we’re wrong. Anyway, middle-aged Scotch leading-men shouldn’t be seen wearing hoodies. It’s not seemly.
Unlike the more hysterical sections of the internet, George Lucas didn’t do anything untoward with our childhoods, other than THRILL THE FUCK out of them – admittedly, he messed with our 30s a bit; teased us, promised us things he couldn’t deliver, reacted to us in ways that left us confused and somehow a bit guilty-feeling – but the man simply likes his money and who are we to deny him that etc? His Disney-anointed successor, JJ Abrams, continues to show off bits and pieces of his new Star Wars movie and nothing yet looks really, really terrible. This time, we really, really hope we’re right.
Hey, you know who’s got a film coming out soon? Walking punchline M. Night Shyamalan! That’s right, people still give that little fella money to do stuff that doesn’t involve wearing a name-badge and a paper hat. We’re not sure whether we’re going to fall for his schtick again, personally, but there are whispers (coming from something that’s not The God-Damn Trees, honest) that his new joint is kinda decent. We’ll see.
Talking of making up for things, we saw Prometheus back when it was out, and yeah, we weren’t happy. Ridley Scott knows this, and if The Martian ends up being as fun as its trailer, then we’d be prepared to forgive the guy a lot. Who knew we needed a star-packed remake of Robinson Crusoe On Mars? Ridley did!
It’s nearly time for 007, too. Your mission, James, should you decide to accept it, which you will, because you’re a civil servant and not bloody Ethan Hunt, who’s a bit choosy about things for our liking? Be better than fucking Skyfall. Should be a walk in the park. Oh, and if you pull that IT’S NOT BLOFELD WE PROMIZ! OH ITS BLOFELD shit that they did with Khan in the last Star Trek? Don’t bother coming back.
Right, pop off and enjoy the weekend. We’ll be back next week, with some high culture from Venice, low culture from the pop-charts, and more. It ain’t long until the BFI London Film Festival too, and rest assured we’ll be all over that like surprisingly manly stubble on Ed Miliband’s sexy, sexy face.
You probably won’t rest at all after thinking about Ed Miliband’s sexy, sexy face, now we think about it, but that’s very much your problem, not ours.