Mostly Pop September 2016

Back again, this month sees a slightly different “Instant Reaction” format, in that MrMoth has only heard these songs once and has only had the length of the song to write the review. Because sometimes you need a challenge, ok?

Get a load of this idiot!

Hardwell & Craig David
No Holding Back

Who is “Hardwell”, ffs? Why is the weirdly rejuvenated Craig David playing second fiddle to a man who plainly played the Porn Name game and is sticking with his choice? Ohhh, he’s Dutch. There’s a whole bit under the video like a wiki entry! Explains everything.

This is a banger, apparently. Well, it bangs a little, I guess, but in a way that would disappoint Ricky Martin should have busted out “She Bangs” only to find that she only moderately bumps. Obvs Ricky Martin isn’t really interested in ladies who bang at all but since this music is from 2001 SO ARE MY JOKES.

Zara Larsson
Ain’t My Fault

Why is Arnie in this? What’s with all the explo- ohh, that’s the pre-roll ad for Mobile Strike. Wow, they spent a lot of money on that.

Oh, ok, I like this. It’s got proper energy. I dismissed Lush Life earlier this year so I am wise to Larsson now, not going to ignore this. Yeah, this sort of charges at you like a clockwork army. Are we sure that was an advert? Ok ok.

God, this is going to be huge, isn’t it? It’s only missing a massive chorus but I think maybe I’m out of step on that? Lots of songs don’t go for that and they seem popular.

Calm Down

Oh I hate you so much even before this starts, G-Eazy. You were horrific during Britney’s VMA performance. You have no reason to be as arrogant as you are. You look like Dappy’s older brother, or Professor Green’s sadsack mate who reckons he’s got charm.

Bassline from an old Craig David banger, innit? Short, at least. Merciful. There was, like, a whole bit about wanting to shag a Kardashian/Jenner. Mate. No. I see what you’re trying to do. But no.

Power Up

It’s Chip-Diddy-Chip! I can’t shake the memory of Chip as Chipmunk, the cheeky wee scamp of grime. So this tattooed bad boy is hard for me to take seriously. I’m sorry! I know it’s all persona and not neessarily him talking about his own life but still. He was so cheery!

He’s clearly got a talent. He does this very well, and I reckon it’s a bit unfair him not being a bigger star but eh. I’m sure he does fine. However – Chip, as commendable as it is to want to break down all glass ceilings (do you really, though? I wonder), ideally glass ceilings would be removed by a qualified glazier to avoid injury.

The Greatest

Ok! Let’s go! I somehow missed reviewing Cheap Thrills earlier this year (I love it to an unreasonable degree oh cool two reviews in one) so I want in on the ground floor here (at the time of writing, this was released less than 6 hours ago).

This mooches around your head for a bit before launching into YES! BIG CHORUS! FUCKING A! I am catered for! This is what I’ll be humming for the rest of the week/month/my life. So yes. Nice nice.

Video is a bit… look, I think the choreography is kind of done now. Move on, Ryan Heffington! It worked maybe twice.

Chris Brown
Some Shit

Man, Chris, you always chasing the girls.” OH BOY THAT IS SOME UNFORTUNATE DIALOGUE.

Anyway, no. As previously discussed.

Tove Lo
Cool Girl

I feel like I’m always reviewing Tove Lo but I suspect it’s just her, Mø and Zara Larsson merging into a vague Northern-Europe mess in my head.

This is fine, whatever. I get the impression that someone is trying to sell Tove Lo as a bit wacky and weird, an eccentric performer. Which is great, I guess. Hump a glass coffin with an El-from-Stranger-Things haircut, sure. Crazy!! But when it’s paired with such ordinary, workaday music is there any real edge? Maybe! I’m no expert and I’m not the audience.

But I think, really… no.

Ellie Goulding
Still Falling For You

I don’t really get how Ellie Goulding is still a thing. Has she ever threatened to be even faintly interesting? That bit where she’s holding a rocket launcher in the Bad Blood video is it, isn’t it? Anyway, here she is on the soundtrack to the equally baffling SECOND Bridget Jones sequel. Don’t get me wrong, back in 99 I loved Bridget Jones. But it’s 2016! I find this as confusing as MORE Ninja Turtle films.

Sorry, I digress. Obviously this will sell a trillion cassingles or whatever the target audience for this lukewarm crap buys. I assume it’s not for the hip young things with their Tidals and memes and Youtubes. This is significantly more… Brexit.

About Thom Willis

Thom is the curator of #microwrites - - and writes his own stories for He lives in London because, given the choice, who wouldn't?

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