We’re putting the band back together.

Welcome to our seventh and – sniff – final live Oscars party, bringing you red carpet and awards news almost as it happens. This year everyone is invited, so dig out your frocks and jewels and have the emergency manicurist on speed-dial as you get ready for the biggest night out of the year, in the company of some genuine Hollywood legends…

It’s Mostly Oscars: The Final Chapter.

Starring

Laura Morgan as Jimmy Kimmel

(Her jokes are hit-and-miss and she’s definitely making most of it up as she goes along!)

With

Ricky Young as Warren Beatty

(He ruined last year’s Oscars for everyone, but they’ve invited him back anyway!)

Featuring

Blake Backlash as Justin Timberlake

(The boyish schtick is getting old and so is he, but that’s not gonna stop him!)

And

Clio as Meryl Streep

(She’d clearly much rather be almost anywhere else!)

But

MarvMarsh as Jack Nicholson

(There’s no earthly reason for him to be here, but we like his OTT reactions and he likes the free booze!)

We’ll be with you through the night as always; fighting amongst ourselves, missing crucial announcements, cheering as our predictions ALL turn out to be right and playing this year’s Oscars Bingo, where we will be drinking a measure of whisky from a crystal tumbler each time we see any of the following:

• An acting nominee with their mum as their date
• A guest wearing the Pantone Color Of The Year (Ultra Violet)
• Ryan Seacrest being visibly snubbed on the red carpet
• Damien Chazelle and Barry Jenkins interviewed together
• Co-nominees, co-parents and former spouses Gary Oldman and Lesley Manville sharing a family moment
• A reference to EnvelopeGate™ within the first 20s of the opening monologue (double shot if it includes mention of Bonnie and Clyde)
• The Adele Dazim Award for the most impressive mangling of a nominee’s name
• A reference to #TimesUp in an acceptance speech
• A reaction shot  of a male actor attempting to convey solidarity with #TimesUp through sensitive nodding
• A winner thanking their “beautiful blue-eyed wife” (yeah, Jordan Horovitz, we haven’t forgotten)
• The Annual Samuel L. Jackson Memorial Really Bad Loser Award

Join us from 10.30pm, UK-time, as we line up our Oscars-themed feast of cold hard boiled eggs, communion wafers, a mushroom omelette, some ripe peaches, a well-stirred cup of tea, and a cigar.

10:56pm: Good evening! Did we say 10.30? We meant 11pm, so actually we’re a bit early. We’ve been having technical issues at MostlyFilm Towers but we’re up and running (for now) and you join us on the red carpet (we like your nails!), where Ryan Seacrest has not yet been visibly snubbed, but the night is young.

11pm: We have a late addition to the MostlyFilm team in the form of Dangerous Dave (real name), who once worked on a film that nearly won an Oscar. He is a composer and will, in the absence of the much-missed Victor, be advising on the musical categories, although he hasn’t heard any of the songs so will be making that part up as he goes along, very much in the time-worn spirit of MostlyFilm Oscars coverage.

11:07pm: It’s getting crowded on the red carpet, although we haven’t seen anyone we know yet, and two presenters whose names we missed are speaking in a series of platitudes so bland that our collective brains have just fallen out through our ears.

11:09pm: James Ivory (“you’re the oldest man ever nominated for an Oscar!”) is wearing a very cool shirt:

11:15pm: Three of the supporting cast of Three Billboards (Abbie Cornish, Darrell Britt-Gibson and Sandy Martin) are asked what they would put on a billboard. “More dancing!”, says Darrell. OK, Darrell.

To be fair, a question that stupid is fully deserving of an answer that stupid.

“He turned out to be a good boy in the end”, says Ryan to Sandy, who played Sam Rockwell’s mum. Mmhmm.

There’s Christopher Plummer!

11:18pm:  If Seacrest ever gets taken down for being a sex case he’ll have to interview himself.

11.19pm: Allison Janney attempts to convince us that she first heard of Tonya Harding because she was such an accomplished figure skater. Sure, Alison. Us too!

11:21pm: Apparently Sam Rockwell is “known for his dancing”. “He’ll bust a move if he wins”, says a red-carpeteer. “Sam Rockwell is the best dancer I’ve ever seen!” says her co-presenter, getting a little carried away.

11:22pm: Andy Serkis is talking to Ryan Seacrest. He looks different not covered in stickers in preparation for being turned into a goblin. (He is talking about it, though.)

Actually we’re not sure what he’s talking about, but it’s definitely impassioned.

We just assumed it was goblins.

11:25pm: It’s Donald Sutherland!

And Hans Zimmer! Hans Zimmer has a hot date.

11:27pm: Hans Zimmer is very charming, says Dave. “I met him years ago. It was Valentine’s Day and I got very drunk and fell asleep in front of him.” Don’t say we don’t bring you all the top celebrity gossip.

11:29pm: “It was an Oscars to remember” says E! presenter JD, perhaps jumping the gun a little.

11:36pm: Ryan asks Bradley “I would have voted for Obama a third time” Whitfield what connected with him about Get Out. We are willing him to say “Being a massive racist, Ryan”, but his actual answer is more boring and we’ve already forgotten it.

11:39pm: Rita Moreno! Famous for giving a fifteen-second acceptance speech the year she beat Judy Garland to the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. “Is there anything you wish you’d said that night that you want to say tonight?”, asks Ryan. “Oh,” she tells him, “you could be here for a while.”

11:40pm: She’s wearing THE SAME DRESS as she wore in 1962. Hang on, we’ll find pictures.

11:42pm: AMAZE:

11:44pm: Poor Laura Dern. “It’s hard to see on the monitors but she’s looking gorgeous in that white dress,” translates as “she looks a mess for sure but in the flesh she looks good, I promise!”

11:48pm: Mary J. Blige is here! In what we presume is outfit #1 of 2, since she is also performing later. This is a sweeping number, also in bridal white.

11.49pm: “Has Thor Ragnarok been nominated?” says Marv, who’s clearly been preparing for this evening as carefully and extensively as the rest of us. “I was just watching it. It’s great!”

(NB: the answer is No.)

11:51pm: Armie Hammer isn’t here because he has stomach flu, apparently.

11:52pm: What is stomach flu, anyway?

“Army Hammer, Leggy Spanner” says Marv, helpfully.

“I think putting ‘stomach’ in there reminds us that he might puke rather than just sneeze”, says Blake.

“He sneezes out of his sculpted tummy button”, Ricky informs us.

“So arse flu is for the shits?”, asks Marv.

We’re going to leave this one here for now, you guys.

11:53pm: Ad break! Go and make some tea, or, better, something stronger. We’ve got five more hours of this to get through together and frankly, the standard of conversation isn’t going to improve so you’re going to need to find a way to cope.

11:55pm: Ryan is interviewing Mary J. Blige and unusually, he seems to have seen the film she’s nominated for!

(It’s Mudbound you guys, go and watch it as soon as we’re done here.)

11:58pm: And now Ryan’s talking to Common, who these days officially has to be nominated in the Original Song category every year. He has a key-shaped badge on his lapel and we wonder what it means, and whether it’s a political statement that we’re not yet on board with or whether he just wants to be able to get into his hotel room super quickly later.

Or maybe he’s secretly a concierge. It’s a differently-shaped badge, but they probably have splinter groups.

Look, there’s not much going on just now, OK?

12:03am: Salma Hayek is wearing a sort of a tie-dyed thing with chains around the arms. It’s the kind of outfit that some of us might have worn to a festival in the nineties, with DMs.

(We’d have worn it with DMs. Salma isn’t wearing DMs.)

12:05am: Alex Zane Hair Watch: Kind of a mullet?

And Sanjeev Bhaskar on the Sky sofa with him. Man.

12:06am: Alison “You know I can’t give you the key, right babe?” Williams is in off-white. We haven’t seen anyone in a colour yet, although Salma’s dress had purple moments here and there.

12:07am: Why doesn’t Tom Hanks get Oscars any more? He’s just as good as he ever was.

Maybe not as good as he was in Big.

He should do some proper comedy. Change it up a bit. Bachelor Party 2. (Or 3.)

12:09am: Funny to think that one half to two thirds of the middle-aged men standing in the background of every shot are just waiting to get Time’s Upped.

12:11am: We get a better look at Laura Dern, also in white. Is there a dress code we haven’t been told about? “She’s long and lean and she looks like a pillar. A goddess” says Giuliana Radic, recovering herself just in time.

12:13am: Ah, no, the reason nobody has any colours on is that Whoopi Goldberg has them all:

…and we’re pretty sure she’s also wearing the Pantone Color Of The Year, Ultra Violet! Oscars BINGO! Shots all round!

12:17am: Did someone just offer “semi-congratulations” to Allison Janney?

12:18am: Maybe it was “Many congratulations”.

That seems likelier, in a way.

12:19am: Teen Vogue, where we get most of our news from (this is true), is reporting that Ryan Seacrest is on a delay in case he gets shade thrown at him. If this is true they’re totally messing up our chances of getting a BINGO there.

12:20am: “I’m so proud of you”, Ryan says to Tiffany Haddish. “I’m so proud of you too!”, she says. We are all proud of each other.

12:24am: Our internet went down! That was exciting. And Armie Hammer is here! So add a late Bingo line for “unscheduled red-carpet puking”.

12:26am: Allison Janney, who was in smoking hot pink for her Independent Spirit Awards win yesterday, is in bright red. Everyone is very excited to see an Actual Colour.

12:28am: J-Law is here! She’s in gold, which news we are happy to bring you courtesy of the essential @JenniferUpdates Twitter account:

12:31am: “I like the permy hair”, says one of E!’s red carpet presenters.

“Is that a word?”, wonders his co-host.

(The answer, for the avoidance of doubt, is No.)

12:32am: Daniel Kaluuya! And he’s in gold! “Get Out ticks a lot of boxes”, says an interviewer. “Articulating the black experience is not ticking a box,” Daniel says. Daniel, have we told you lately that we love you?

12:34am: Chadwick Boseman is being praised for having zips on his shoes rather than laces.

12:37am: It’s not gold, it’s…orange? What it is, is awesome:

12:39am: It’s OSCARS BINGO as some veiled but clear shade is thrown at Ryan Seacrest:

12:42am: James Ivory’s ace shirt is even acer than we thought because that is Timothee Chalamet he’s wearing:

12:43am: Chalamet is here with his mum! Oscars bingo! How many shots is that so far? We make it three. Maybe four, just in case.

Let’s say four. For luck.

12:45am: Saoirse Ronan is in pastel pink with very straight hair. She is dressed exactly how Lady Bird would dress for the Oscars.

12:47am: Nicole Kidman wins!

12:50am: “Nicole’s dress is a bit like a Quality Street wrapper”, says Blake.

(Cracknel?)

12:59am: Sorry, we all went to replenish our supplies of hard-boiled eggs and cigars. We’re back now, and unclear about whether the ceremony is starting now, or in half an hour. We’ll let you know as soon as we have more information, but for now it might be a good time to go for a pee.

1:02am: It seems like Emma Stone is in a suit? In years gone by we’d have had a Bingo for that, but we forgot to include it this year. Hey, have a drink anyway, why not?

Oh wait, this is the actual Oscars. Come back from the loo! The Oscars are starting!

1:03am: “He presided over the most calamitous finale in Oscar history…please welcome your host, Jimmy Kimmel!” And we’re live!

01:04am: “This year when you hear your name called, don’t get up right away. Give us a minute.” Bingo!

01:05am: “Oscar is ninety years old this year, which means he’s probably at home watching Fox News.”

01:06am: Jimmy now explaining how bad Hollywood has been at the whole sexism thing. “We made a movie called ‘What Women Want’ and it starred Mel Gibson.”

01:07am: “If we can stop sexual harassment in the workplace, women will only have to deal with it all the time, everywhere else they go.”

01:08am: “I remember a time when studios didn’t believe that a woman or a minority could open a superhero movie. And the reason I remember that time is that it was March of last year.”

Greta Gerwig is in ORANGE.

01:10am: Jordan Peele is introduced as only the third person in ninety years to be nominated for Picture, Screenplay and Director for their first feature. He is wearing white and looks entirely unperturbed by this news.

01:12am: “Thanks to Guillermo we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”

Timothee Chalamet looks like the ghost of an Edwardian child.

01:14am: Whoever makes the shortest acceptance speech of the night will win a jet-ski, says Jimmy. Helen Mirren is here to present the jet-ski. “In the event of a tie, the jet-ski will go to Christopher Plummer.”

01:16am: It’s Best Supporting Actor! And here’s Viola Davis in the best pink of all, to present. We’re pretty sure this is going to Sam Rockwell for his turn as a Racist Cop.

01:18am: Imagine if it went to Christopher Plummer, the oldest ever acting nominee. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

And the Oscar goes to…

Sam Rockwell! And he full-lip-kisses Woody Harrelson (also nominated, for the same film), which is adorable. And then thanks his co-nominees.

01:20am: Sam made Frances McDormand cry. He thanks “everyone who was involved with Three Billboards…everyone who’s ever looked at a billboard.”

01:21am: We’re behind the scenes with Gal Gadot and Armie Hammer, who is wearing red. Red! They are chatting to each other the way newsreaders do after the credits start to roll.

01:24am: Armie Hammer and Gal Gadot are presenting the Hair and Make Up award (Darkest Hour), and we’re keenly watching Armie for signs of stomach flu.

01:27am: The Oscar goes to Darkest Hour and we’re introducing a new Bingo category, which is that you get to have a drink every time the winner is something other than what we told you it would be.

Maybe they fitted Armie with a bag.

01:29am: It’s Costume Design! Presented by Eva-Marie Saint!

“I’m older than the Academy”, Eva-Marie says.

01:31am: She called him “Fred” Hitchcock! Everybody go home, nothing better than this can happen tonight.

01:32am: The prize goes to Mark Bridges for Phantom Thread, like what we said it would. No drink for you yet, sorry.

01:37am: Laura Dern and Greta Gerwig are presenting the award for Documentary Feature, which almost certainly means we’re about to see Agnes Varda, who is bound to be wearing the best gown of the night.

01:41am: And the Oscar goes to Icarus, which is the second least interesting of them all! Although it has a Russian conspiracy angle, which may have snuck it into the lead.

01:43am: Alex Zane hair watch update: the eighties called and they want their Soul Glo back.

01:44am: It’s the first song, Mary J. Blige’s Mighty River from Mudbound. Mary has gone from white to red and seems entirely chilled about giving one Oscar-nominated performance while the other one plays on the screen behind her.

01:47am: This is a BARNSTORMING performance. Did we say this song would win? We didn’t, did we? Well, it probably won’t. But it SHOULD.

“I prefer the staging of this song to the song itself”, says Dave.

“I think we all needed a song there and Mary J. gave us it” says Blake, incontrovertibly.

01:52am: The quality of punditry on the Sky sofa is actually offensive to anyone who’s spent even a cursory amount of time thinking about the Oscars. They could invite some randoms in off the street and they would be exactly as incisive as this lot (Boyd Hilton, Rachel Riley, Bhaskar and someone who claims to be a film critic).

01:54am: So far the speeches, the montages and even the monologue have all been a bit…subdued. Mary J. gave us a bit of pep, at least.

01:55am: Is “pep” a thing that people still say?

01:56am: Alex Zane hair watch update: Dave thinks he looks “a bit like the Queen”. The actual Queen?  Not exactly, he says, but this version:

01:58am: The kids from Baby Driver are here to present Sound Editing. In which Baby Driver is a nominee. Are they even allowed to do that? We predicted Dunkirk in this category, although the cheers for The Shape Of Water suggests that it’s the favourite, at least inside the Dolby Theatre.

But the Oscar goes to…Dunkirk!

02:01am: And now it’s Sound Mixing. Will the Baby Driver stars get to present an award to their own crew?

There’s a LOT of love for The Shape Of Water in the room.

02:02am: The Oscar goes to Dunkirk! Americans say Dunkirk weirdly. “DUN-kirk”, they say.

02:03am: Alex Zane hair watch update: he wishes it looked this good:

02:08am: Of course, Americans don’t know how to pronounce Dunkirk because none of them have ever been there. #topical

02:09am: It’s Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani to present Production Design (The Shape Of Water)! “I am from Pakistan and Iowa”, says Kumail. “Two places that nobody in Hollywood can find on a map.”

02:11am: The Oscar goes to The Shape Of Water!

02:13am: Huh, not one of us realised that the Production Design for The Shape Of Water was done by Green Day!

02:15am: Gael Garcia Bernal is singing the song from Coco, and he’s very evidently flat. “Someone technical should be getting fired for that”, says Dave.

02:21am: The problem with all the ad breaks is that people with nothing to say have to fill a bunch of space. Alex Zane us now descending into semi-aware Partridge-isms about fish-fucking.

02:22am: It’s Foreign Language Film, presented by Rita Moreno in That Dress! We really hope it’s A Fantastic Woman and that we get to see Daniela Vega’s Oscars look.

And the Oscar goes to A Fantastic Woman!

Daniela Vega is in fuschia and tears and our hearts are big.

02:27am: Supporting Actress next, and we assume another win for Allison Janney. It also means we get to see Mahershala Ali, yay. (Mary J. Blige should win here, but won’t).

02:30am: The Oscar goes to Allison Janney! Will she be political? Be political!

02:31am: Margot Robbie is crying. Allison is not political.

“Next”, says the announcer, “The cast of Star Wars: The Last Jedi“. Pee break, anyone?

02:34am: We’re re-viewing the Supporting Actress announcement. Nobody quite wins the Samuel L. Jackson Memorial Really Bad Loser Award, although Laurie Metcalfe comes close. The position remains open, however.

02:37am: The Star Wars cast are here to present the Animated Short award, which we think will go to Dear Basketball.

It’s BB8! He’s still the best one.

Reactions to the appearance of BB8 at MostlyFilm Towers range from “YAAAAS BB8” (Blake) to “Shit the bed!” (Dave).

02:39am: Mark Hamill makes the announcement…”And the Oscar goes to…don’t say La La Land, don’t say La La Land…Dear Basketball!”

02:40am: You guys, Kobe Bryant is really tall!

Say, does anybody want some ice-cream? We have Twiglets too. And, unaccountably, an unstarted lasagne.

02:41am: And now the same team are presenting Animated Feature, which we all expect will go to Coco.

And the Oscar goes to Coco!

02:43am: The Coco team thank “the people of Mexico”, and veer into some Trump-baiting politics, which frankly we’re all here for.

02:44am: Daniela Vega introduces Sufjan Stephens’ song from Call Me By Your Name, making her the first trans Oscar presenter (that we know of).

02:48am: Dave likes the song but doesn’t think it will win. Since he hasn’t listened to any of them before tonight (despite having seen all of the films, clearly without paying actual attention), we will have to wait until all five songs have been performed before we get his professional verdict on them.

“Alexandre’s score will win”, says Dave. “He’s a nice bloke, I’ll be pleased for him.”

(Although actually, Dave’s favourite is the Phantom Thread score, and only maybe because he’s a guest at MF Towers and is politely indulging our preferences.)

02:52am: VFX is up next. Monkey vs Monkey(s). War for the Planet of the Apes will obviously beat Kong because it has more apes, right?

02:54am: The Oscar goes to Blade Runner 2049! Laura has to apologise to the rest of the crew, who all predicted this win and she ignored them all and went for Andy Serkiss Goes Ape.

The Blade Runner team are Jaws-ed off, as is traditional for long-winded winners in technical categories.

02:56am: It’s Matthew McConnaughello! The original inspiration for Alex Zane’s Hair. He’s presenting the Editing award, in which we made a prediction for Dunkirk.

02:57am: The Oscar goes to Dunkirk!

Matt McC says DunKIRK the normal way. But then, if you asked Matt to go to war for you, he totally would.

03:00am: Ah, it’s time for an Oscars Stunt™. Jimmy is taking a bunch of Oscar superstars over the road to the Chinese Theater, to surprise the punters. Although we are wondering whether this is, in fact, the setup for a joke. Especially as the punters are watching Ava DuVernay’s A Wrinkle In Time and frankly, interrupting that in order to point a pukey Armie Hammer at them seems unfair, to say the least.

The aisles of the Dolby Theater seem to be strewn with Aztec Marigolds à la Coco, which is a sweet touch.

03:07am: Gal Gadot (thank god, they found someone the punters will recognise) is delivering Oscar goodies to the audience inside the Chinese Theater.

03:09am: “Are you enjoying A Wrinkle In Time so far?” Jimmy asks a random dude. He was till you blundered in and screwed up his evening, Jimmy!

Random dude turns out to be called Mike, is asked to introduce the next segment and mangles Tiffany Haddish’s name. Is that a Bingo? It probably doesn’t count if you didn’t have any time to practice it, right? But hey, it’s 3am, have a goshdarnd drink.

03:11pm: Maya Rudolf and Tiffany Haddish are presenting the next award, and have both taken their shoes off. “When we came out together” says Tiffany, “we know some of you were thinking, are the Oscars too black now?”. “But don’t worry,” adds Maya, “there are sooooo many more white people to come.”

03:13am: So what happened there was that Laura, who is as always driving the bus (hi!), got so excited about the winner of the Documentary Short category being the fabulous Heaven Is A Traffic Jam On The 405 that she forgot to write about it. Apologies. We’re back in the room now. And pretty soon I’ll figure out whether to write about herself in the first, third or plural person.

03:16am: Now it’s Live Action Short, in which we are expecting a (deserved) win for DeKalb Elementary.

But the Oscar goes to The Silent Child! Rachel Shenton, who wrote and stars, is signing her acceptance speech, which she’s also using to reinforce the point (about accessibility of help and services for deaf children) that the film makes. Hollyoaks wins an Oscar! And is Jaws-ed off, but you can’t win them all.

03:20am: It’s time for the Common song, from Marshall. Has anybody seen Marshall? Maybe Common has (probably not).

Oh but first, some tiresome shitbagging from the Sky sofa! Alex Zane calls Robocop 2 underrated, which is an opinion only someone with no actual opinions would have.

Ironically, when Common was a kid he wasn’t allowed to watch ITV and he’s never tasted a Findus Crispy Pancake.

Common delivers an impromptu Parkland moment ahead of his song. And then aces his song. The first standing ovation for a vocal performance tonight, we think.

03:26am: It’s time for the #TimesUp moment, with Salma Hayek, Ashley Judd and Annabella Sciorra. They look, sound and are amazing, and introduce a segment showcasing some of the most exciting recent work by women, people of colour, trans people and other minorities. “We need your movie. I need your movie. So go make it”, says Greta Gerwig. This has just enough bite to stop it from being self-congratulatory. It was always going to be hard to pitch it right, but they’ve done a pretty great job.

03:32am: Chadwick Boseman (our secret boyfriend) and Margot Robbie (our secret girlfriend) are introducing Adapted Screenplay, which is going to Call Me By Your Name.

03:33am: The winner is James Ivory, for Call Me By Your Name!

03:34am: When you are James Ivory, you get to write a really great acceptance speech.

03:35am: And you get to be the only person in 2018 who thanks Ismail Merchant for your Oscar win.

03:36am: Nicole Kidman, in the best dress, is here to introduce Original Screenplay. This is a big one and a tense one…

03:37am: The award goes to Jordan Peele for Get Out! Fuck yeah!

03:40am: Ad break. And, we all need to calm down.

03:44am: Wes Studi is introducing a segment where we pay tribute to…military movies? I mean, sure. Why not?

03:46am: THERE you go, that took forever but we get some Matt Damon shade from Kimmel. DRINK!

03:47am: “For all of you who say that the Oscars are all about the elites, I’ll have you know that each of the Swarovski crystals decorating the stage tonight represents humility”, says Jimmy.

03:48am: It’s Cinematography, which we really want Roger Deakins to win. It’s his time!

Big cheers inside the Dolby Theater for Rachel Morrison and Mudbound, but the Oscar goes to Roger Deakins for Blade Runner 2049, and that’s his first win after fourteen nominations and MostlyFilm Towers erupts in cheers. “What a likeable dude”, says Dave, who was actually born in the 1970s and only sounds like he hard-lived through them.

03:51am: Time for the last song of the night with This Is Me from The Greatest Showman, which has been a weird sleeper hit, taking minimal box office to begin with but then just sticking around until nearly everyone you know has seen it, like that time Prince carried on playing in London until there was nobody left in London who hadn’t been.

03:53am: We like the staging again. It’s a middling song. But does the last one to be performed quite often win?

The Entertainment Weekly red carpet people said Keala Settle was too ill to sing this, so we’re glad she made it along. Maybe they saw her kissing Armie Hammer and extrapolated.

03:56am: We suspect it’s almost time for the Montage Of The Dead.

03:58am: Woody Harrelson has the best seat in the house. It’s time for the Original Score prize! We can read the categories off the envelopes, because they’ve made them REALLY BIG THIS YEAR.

03:59am: Christopher Walken! We have no idea what he’s talking about, but that’s as it should be. We would all love a Johnny Greenwood win, which is also what we predicted, but it’s going to be Desplat, isn’t it?

And the Oscar goes to The Shape Of Water and Alexandre Desplat, who apparently really likes good green tea (more celebrity insights as we get them). Dave has won £1 on his £5 bet at 1/5. The Milky Bars are on him!

(This is much funnier if you know what he looks like.)

04:02am: WE’RE INTO THE LAST HOUR, FOLKS. And here’s a chart to warm your heart:

04:04am: Original Song goes to Remember Me from Coco and here are the Lopez-Anderson-Lopezes accepting it charmingly.

04:06am: OK, now it really is the Montage Of The Dead. And this year the role of Barbra Streisand is played by Eddie Vedder, singing a Tom Petty number whose name we missed because we were arguing amongst ourselves, but on reflection we think it’s Room At The Top.

04:13am: Boyd Hilton on the Sky sofa thinks that Director is going to “Gorilla del Toro”.

04:14am: Time for the Director award and Guillermo’s moment in the sun. Emma Stone isn’t just wearing a suit, she’s wearing a trouser suit. “These four men, and Greta Gerwig, created their own masterpieces”, she says.

And the Oscar goes, to nobody’s surprise, to Guillermo del Toro!

04:21am: Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren are here and everything is so fabulous we can’t speak momentarily.

It’s Best Actor and we want Day Lewis, would be happy with Kaluuya and are fully expecting Oldman.

Denzel is of course The Best Actor Of All Time Period, but nobody saw that movie.

04:25am: The winner is Gary Oldman! Thank Lesley, go on.

It’s not so bad, perhaps, if we can all agree that it’s a lifetime achievement award?

04:29am: Oldman is wanging on to an extraordinary degree. “I’m not winning the jet-ski, am I?” he acknowledges part way through (and then keeps going).

04:30am: Jodie Foster and Jennifer Lawrence are here to present Best Actress and are (a) funnier than we thought they would be  – because it feels like it will be contrived, but actually they make it seem easy and fun (MAYBE BECAUSE THEY’RE GOOD AT ACTING) – and (b) VERY different in height. We don’t know whether J-Law is surprisingly tall or J-Fos is surprisingly short, but either way it’s interesting!

Now let’s wait for Frances McDormand to win the Oscar!

Although it should be Margot Robbie.

04:34am: Every performance in this category is amazing! Give them all a prize. And one for Vicky Krieps too.

But the Oscar goes to Frances McDormand!

04:35am: “I’m hyperventilating a little bit, if I fall over pick me up because I’ve got some things to say.”

04:37am: Frances asks every female nominee in every category to stand up. “Meryl if you do it, everyone else will. ” She’s right! And they do! It’s better and more thrilling than we’re going to be able to make it sound.

04:39am: The Best Picture envelope gets a close-up, just so we know they’re not going to fuck it up again. Although they are getting Warren and Faye to do it, so who knows?

Bonnie and Clyde reference! Have a drink, go on.

04:44am: We’re assuming the Best Picture will go to La La Land.

04:45am: We’re all feeling quite stressed and nauseous. Maybe we have Armie’s stomach flu.

04:46am: And the Oscar goes to The Shape Of Water! The one contender that nobody expected!

(Not counting the five contenders that nobody expected.)

04:48am: Sally Hawkins has the dress of the fricken night, you guys. And Guillermo’s speech very much chimes with the theme of the evening. “This is the door. Kick it open and come in.”

04:50am: We’re awarding the prize for Best Speech to Frances McDormand, we’re sad Get Out didn’t win but if it was going to miss out then the genre movie led by a woman is a pretty good consolation prize. Some of us are ready for bed and some of us are going to stay up for the next three hours because we’re too wired to do anything else.

Alex Zane can’t even read out tweets! That’s all he’s for!

Well, that and the hair.

04:52am: You guys, that’s us done: for tonight, for this year and – for now – for always. Stay safe, keep on runnin’ and we’ll see you on the other side. We’re off to enjoy our Oscars breakfast of welsh rarebit with a poached egg, bacon, scones, butter, cream, ham, a pot of Lapsang Souchong tea, and some sausages.